My brain is getting a delicious rest. I've read a lot, but nothing about agriculture and nothing academic. Much is related to mental health, and I may need some more "junk food" type books. Aaaaaand that's my super short update.

...Back in MN at last, enjoying friends and taking a break from work.

A number of people who gave moved away from the area are back for the holidays. One surprising thing is to hear that everyone who has moved away found it more difficult than expected, and many eventually want to move back to the Twin Cities. Travel is fun and exciting, but home is home.

We've also been assessing where we are in our lives. It's disappointing (but unsurprising) how most have dropped their ideals and taken the narrow, conventional but minimally fulfilling path. In some ways, I've taken that conventional path, but in another way--school was always my skill and I had never thought that I wouldn't take advantage of that skill. Despite learning about pesticides and other land-destroying techniques, I'm completely devoted to the agroecological movement, to put humans back in a better balance with everything surrounding us.

Despite feeling the pull, there are still holdouts--people who continue to travel or find alternative ways of supporting themselves. It's highly admirable and the only way to be happy oneself in the long run, I think--you can never run away from what you truly want. You can't truly leave yourself.

I went to the library today, so excited that I can start to read some books that have nothing to do with school! A search my whole life has involved understanding why some people think so differently from me, or how other people's experiences can be so different. Over the past year, I've learned why people think industrial agriculture is a good idea (that took a lot of open-mindedness and research to understand). Now I have a book about borderline personality disorder and another about addiction (both memoirs). I suspect for those things, the difference is less one of viewpoints and more a matter of genetic susceptibility. People have different weaknesses and different things that make them feel better.

Anyway, they shouldn't be too academic. Hooray! Though I'd love to read the linguistics textbook a friend gave me last year. My mind is hungry for different experiences.: the lazy, TV watching sort as well as the more stimulating sort.

I read part of The Little Prince today. I love that book so much. It is simple and truthful.
"What is essential is invisible to the eyes."
All the stories about grown-ups obsessed with their silly games--accounting, owning all the stars, owning what cannot be owned. And his rose looks just like any rose, but is unique because he has loved it for so long.

Nothing exciting here. Vacation in less than a week! Maybe I'll be able to pull interesting things out of my head after some rest and a change of scenery.

We finally have some snow that doesn't melt right away! It was too warm for a nice dusting to stay. I love it.

My work is taking me a lot longer than I had hoped. I keep learning that most things are harder than they seem, especially anything that requires any kind of expertise. That goes for anything from dance to painting to making simple clustered stacked column graph in Excel. I guess that makes me appreciate almost anything more--it takes so much work to do anything decently.

I'm getting back to reading the Yoga Sutras, currently about ignorance. The idea for acting right (right behavior) is that it will happen if there are no false ideas. Wrong behavior will naturally fall away as yoga practices that drive away ignorance are followed.

statistics on the brain

I'm finally finishing a first run of all of my data! It was a steep learning curve for me, but I feel like I broke a certain part of my brain down--a barrier that never would have let this information get through normally. The specific data point is grouped with the others, and if it's normally distributed (if not, a standard transformation may make it so), a model can be used to describe the overall pattern. Anything you can think of and measure can be accounted for in the model, and you can test to see if your model is accurate. Response=treatment factors. So, you have have something like:

Stress level (measured in terms of perceived stress on a 1-10 scale) = Inborn resilience (genetic/karmic) + sleep level + exercise level (could increase or decrease it) + sleep*exercise+ sleep*genetic+ exercise*genetic+ sleep*exercise*genetic+ [other factors and interactions with those factors].

If you have precise measures for everything, you can see if there is any effect from the factors on the response (stress levels). (I wouldn't really trust anything that relied on self-reported measures though, such as the "happiness" reports). You also account for interacting factors (sleep*exercise; exercise may be less effective if sleep-deprived and sleep may be lower quality if exercise is too low, as an example). Boring but I am surprised that this sort of calculation can be done at all.

I'm not generally big on poetry, but Rumi is an exception:

“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting
to know reasons, knocking on a door.
It opens.
I have been knocking from the inside!”

I feel good because I'm finally starting to be able to do my statistical analysis without feeling completely clueless. It will make next year that much easier to complete. One of my peers will be getting his MS in August (he has to do it quickly since he's on a MS/PhD track) and another PhD student just told me she will be dropping to just an MS. When life happens, school doesn't move for you. So she's sticking to the Master's and is happy with that. It's interesting to see all the different choices people make.

A lot of people here told me I would change my mind and get a PhD--to be fair, some had actually done just that. But I knew in my gut there was no good reason for it and so my decision has stayed the same. It's not short, anyhow--two years is a long time if you're in it. Anytime I think, "That went by so fast!" I remember what it was actually like to be there--it was never so fast.

I am analyzing all my data from the summer and it's reshaping my mind, forcing me to understand a new way of thinking that never made sense to me before. Math and science concepts have always needed a few years to settle in my mind before they made sense to me as general principles, but this is that process speeded up. I think I'm struggling so much more than others because my mind doesn't work this way naturally. I have to remember that many people never understand these things, so it's normal that it takes time.

Over the next week and a half, I'll finish this up and have my presentation ready for a conference after New Year's. It will be so good to be able to whatever I'd like. It wouldn't be so bad if it made sense to me.

The edge.

I finally solidified by travel plans for home and I'm very happy because it is two whole weeks! I couldn't stand another four day trip, where I hardly got to see any friends and had to get up at 8 am to write. This body is not meant to run like that. That, on top of the "why don't you get a PhD" comments was pretty insane. Thank god I don't think I have to keep postponing my life for... I don't know what. Enough of that!
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I've been thinking a lot about the idea of being pushed beyond one's edge. There are a lot of things that can happen when we go beyond what we thought we could do. If you go a day without food, nothing happens. You lose a couple pounds in food weight and glycogen stores and it all goes back when you eat again. If you get chased, you can run a lot farther than you thought you could. If you have a baby, you survive on few hours of sleep for a long time. So we can do all these things, if we push past our psychological barriers. Is that a good thing?

Generally I value the concept of the yoga "edge", where you go as far as you can, differentiating between physical and psychological barriers. Go past a psychological barrier, have a breakthrough (even if it's just a mm). That's the "good" pain. Go past a physical barrier, damage yourself needlessly. That's the "bad" pain that comes from not listening to oneself.

The barrier between these two categories can blur. If I'm very, very tight, my muscles will be tighter than usual. It is psychological, but if I try and push myself to where I normally go, I will hurt myself. The muscles are too tight and ignoring that doesn't change it.

I thought (hoped is more accurate) I would learn a lot from being pushed past my edge in grad school. No, no, no. Nothing is learned from going past your edge but to listen to yourself. This body and mind of mine need lots of rest of breaks that should be respected if it wants to work well. Otherwise it just gets crazy and unhappy. Other people can go farther than me, but it has no bearing on me and what I can do. Conversely, at my old job I was bored out of my mind. It wasn't enough. But I exercised a lot, which felt great, and balanced it with sleep and rest and regular meals. So, I respect the edge and go to it but not beyond.

Classes ended and I hardly noticed, because there is enough to do. The thought of all there is to do is more paralyzing than actually doing it, but knowing that doesn't change it for me. It just adds another thing to the list: 1) overcome paralyzing anxiety over all the things I have to do.
On the other hand, I have more time, since I'm not in classes. I am being sure to enjoy that. Last night, we went to a party and they had a video game system with a game called "Rock Band" (I think). It was fun, and reminded me how much I miss playing an instrument. I only ever played the cello, and they're pretty expensive to own for a casual hobby. I have to think about how else I can integrate that into my life. The big secret about playing or making music is that it is *much* more fun than listening to it. Even a song you love, is that much more enjoyable for the person creating it (assuming it's not a worn-out pop song, I suppose). I do have a djembe that I could learn how to play sometime... would be a riot.

R has been networking a lot lately, meeting new people with similar interests; mainly, the "green" industry. It's a bizarre scene. Plenty of people are just in it for the money, some are really into it and rightfully cynical, others are so naive about the opportunities that they fail to see how many will cut corners for a label. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out, in general. Will it make any sort of impact, in this age of destruction? Is something better than nothing? Or are the greedy corrupting whatever is left? I hope some good comes out of it.

grades

One thing I have learned from being involved in grading students, is that there is truly a randomness to grades. They don't reflect how hard-working somehow is, they reflect how savvy and/or smart they are. For certain students, it is a measure of how hard they have worked. But there are so many different factors that I hardly see the point. A B for one person could mean something completely different for someone else.

fun facts

Sleep burned off a lot of stress last night. I feel really good and a lot of my mixed feelings from yesterday are gone.

So, a fun list! I learned today:

• Strawberries are from the Americas.
• Pineapples are from South America.
• Most spices are from Asia, but pepper-based spices are from the Americas. (not black pepper, but the fruit)
• Peanuts are from South America.
  
• Beans, rice, chocolate, corn, potatoes and tomatoes are from the Americas (this is more commonly known, but a nice list).
• "Kellog recommended that his patients who were "suffering from vegetarianism" eat the peanut butter." From here. Very funny!
  

Things will be getting more in balance soon. I am also getting a little better at all this, which makes it easier. I got up early a few days ago to finish a literature review for the intro of a paper, and it wasn't a big deal. I'm not going to be overly optimistic, but anything is easier after doing it multiple times.

Back after a long day of travel. I'm so worn out, and it will continue. Only one year left. I'm so glad I chose this area, it was the right fit, and if I was in any other area, I would quit. When I look at my old nutrition books or other things, they just seem silly. Listen to your body and let the rest fall into place. There are much more important things to be focusing on. Health is important, but I can't focus on that. It's not what I'm meant to work on.

Having reached my own limits for work, I really get it now, when people mean by when they say their "priorities have changed". Usually they've been busy with their family or career and their bodies have fell by the wayside to a certain extent, or they don't do whatever else makes you popular. I don't really care that much if I gain weight or aren't well-rounded. I will make the time for my health, but don't really have the energy to care about shallow distractions, if they're not relaxing. I'm not that high energy and can't be cramming a million things into my life.

Despite my whining, I remain optimistic. I know things will get easier... just not sure when or how. I'm looking forward to my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. He's good, I find it really relaxing. He's also passionate about stopping the fracking in this area (dumping chemicals in water to extract natural gas), which I deeply respect. I love all the old activists in this area, they really care, beyond whatever trend there is.

Nearly the end of a four day stay in MN--the first day was strange, like Ithaca had become home. I remembered the people there I couldn't see. It was so surprising!

But that feeling has gone away fast. I wouldn't mind if I never had to go back there, and all the stress that is there. I would send people letters and keep in touch, and never look back. "Only" a year left feels like a ridiculous statement, when a year is so long. I can't imagine what people are thinking when they want me to get a PhD--what is the point of putting off one's life for so long, if they don't enjoy the process of what they are doing. It's too late for me to turn back, and I'm learning tons and tons, but two years is plenty.

Winter already....

This MS program is going by fast. So many things crammed in such a small amount of time, it's hard to believe I've done all of it. I keep forgetting things I've done, or am doing, or have to do. Doesn't that prove it's too much, if I can't even remember? I forget things all the time now, and like everyone else here, it's tempting to add even more to my schedule (especially if you want to do important things outside of school). It feels like it's not okay to say "no" unless you're truly about to breakdown.

I don't blame my adviser. Yesterday, she said flat out, "Don't get As. Get what you need from the class and go." (Isn't that funny!) It's institutional, cultural.

This lifestyle isn't healthy. Doing too much is as unhealthy as doing too little. The culture rewards workoholism, and ignores the toll on mental health.

Plus, what counts as "doing" something? You don't get a pay raise for taking care of a sick friend, or an A for raising a child, or a line on your resume for dealing with your parents. I see people on the edge of anxiety attacks, constantly sick, self-medicating. There's nothing wrong with people doing all these things--I do them all too, or would do them (I would drink if I got any satisfaction from it). There should be no stigma for such suffering. They are simply consequences of being out of balance. Fixing it is easier said than done...

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On a more positive note-- It's nearly Thanksgiving and I'll get to do some travels. I have work to do, but it'll be nice to have a change of pace.

I've started watching the TV show Lost. One of my friends is into it--when you're busy, it's nice to just zone out and watch something. I know all the millions of things that are wrong with TV, but that doesn't change a thing when you're weary and want some entertainment. It's creepier than I prefer (I have to look away sometimes, since I have no tolerance for violence), but the character development is so interesting. They have flashbacks for everyone, showing they are much more than they seem. I think there is value in that--it reminds me how there is so much more to people than meets the eye. You don't know what someone else has been through and what they're dealing with, no matter what kind of act they put on. An act is not a person.

I've been trying to not force things quite as much, to take small places where I can see I've been forcing, and try and let go there. I'm so tired of forcing things. It doesn't feel right and it goes against my intuition. So it's been with my meditation practice.

I don't like feeling like I'm fighting or forcing so hard, it doesn't feel right. It's different from discipline--discipline is taking the next step to focus oneself, without doing anything that goes against the grain or can't be sustained.

I decided to keep myself open for when I wanted to meditate, and not force anymore. That I would trust I knew intuitively when I needed to do it, so I never had to feel resentful of it. I thought it might drop off for awhile (maybe a long time) before it felt more comfortable. To my surprise, I do do it for short bits, everyday. Not so long, but it feels more comfortable. It does require being more carefully disciplined in a way. It's easier to follow a schedule, and do it everyday at a set time. It's more difficult to stay aware and open to when I need it, and then actually do it then. But it feels more right, and since I get the desire to do it every so often, I know I can trust this. I just have to stay vigilant. I don't want to force anything ever again, if I can avoid it.

I am appreciating the intellectual culture here right now. It can get annoying, but it also requires that I use my mind and challenge myself. I hear great ideas from great thinkers, and wonder why they don't get executed. Great minds may disagree on purely intellectual basis, but the most common obstacle seems to be sillier things like ego, personality conflicts, or personal issues. Money and prestige do so much to color people's ideas, without them even being aware of it.

I've been thinking about what drives this need to spray all our food with pesticides. They do work, they kill what they are supposed to kill. But why do we focus on that when there are other controls and why is there so much satisfaction derived from killing something? Aside from money and subsidy structures (the biggest factor), there is something cultural. The need to control.

My day

The air was crisp but clear and sunny today. I admitted to my adviser that I didn't understand what she wanted me to do, and she said that was okay and I just needed to meet with her everyday before she goes (on vacation) until I understand. I kept my distance from a friend whose perfectionism is too strong for me to be around often. I got a pannier for my bike in the mail for my birthday and I am excited to use it soon.

Since my classmate's death, I am feeling more and more uncomfortable with the atmosphere here. I'd rather distance myself from it than ignore what I feel is dysfunctional (I don't feel that speaking about it with more than one person at a time helps). The suicide is being kept quiet--no one outside the department was told, including departments that are in the same building. We were encouraged to take our time and grieve, yet none of our obligations have been changed. How do I give myself time when I have the same deadlines that I did before? Mental health is encouraged in word and not deed. They also refused to discuss that the institutional culture could be a part of it. Of course one has to be mentally ill to commit suicide, but the community is not friendly to being open and sharing such problems, making us culpable to that extent. Workoholism is rewarded at any cost, and the standard way of relaxing is drinking alcohol at events. Work, work, work, then shove the feelings down with drugs.

What was really disturbing was right after his death, when people were sharing thoughts. Many people expressed the belief that our department is one of the most supportive departments there are--not all are like that. If I really thought that were true, that that was the height of human support possible, I probably would be suicidal, too. I don't say that lightly. Apparently taking a tiny bit of time to talk about someone, having good turnout at a memorial, and arranging meals for someone in hard times is the extent of it. Wow. Just from my last workplace, I can say there's a lot more that can be done--telling someone to go home and not worry about work for a moment, no pretending things are better than they are, crying and hugging in public, are things off the top of my head. The way it is, is so cold.

I feel much better admitting all this. My trouble is being honest about this without coming across as hostile. Right now the best way to do that, seems to be avoiding the silly fake department grieving events. Phoniness is really my least favorite thing.

I just realized also--the happiest, cheeriest person in the department is the custodian. Coincidence? He has the least stressful job, that allows him finish early in the day and lead an actual life.

wandering, philosophical thoughts

I requested crayons for my birthday today. I was doodling around the edges of my notes today and drawing spirals and flowers and trees. I haven't done much of it since I was ten so my skills are the same, or honestly, far worse. I wished my notes were colored and bright, and that all my bland schoolwork would go away and be replaced by concrete things. The problem is not school, but the replacement of concrete activities with abstract concepts. How are we supposed to be happy theorizing when we are built to be doing? No one's body is meant to sit in a chair or hold a pen. I wish I were raised in a way that would allow me to feel free to just be and do instead of think abstractly, detached from a direct connection to anything. The less I deny this desire, the better I feel. We all want to feel connected to everything. That is the definition of love, that there is no separation, so everything kind I do for you, I also do for myself.

I have let myself talk about others lately... mild gossip. I have to stop this, now. People often bond over gossip, but at what price? If I picture myself being talked about, then I see clearly how nasty a thing it is to do.

Biking!

Yesterday I found a way to bike to the mall area outside Ithaca, in a little suburb. Once I get up the Cornell hill, I'm able to climb the rest on my bike (though it is still on an incline). I'm exciting because it opens up a whole new mini-world for biking, which I miss so much. It's not far, only 3 miles, but better than the mile or two I'm used to biking across this tiny town. It feels so good to be biking outside, past the golden and red leaves. I need more exercise for my mental health, and it's hard to be motivated in a gym.

I'm learning more about pesticides, why they get used. They do work very well, especially if you don't care about water of wildlife, so obviously I still think they are horrible. The price we pay with them is just too high in the long-term. If in the future, we aren't able to grow enough food without them (a contentious claim), then our population is too high. That doesn't do much good for those who already exist, but we have more than enough food for everyone already. It's just not distributed fairly, and nothing in the pesticide-mindset changes that. It is a short-sighted mindset, to be sure. It is so weird being in a room full of people who think that way. Yesterday at a meeting, they were all exasperated at the EPA regulations, as if none of that mattered. The EU is even crazier to them, passing regulations based on the precautionary principle, affecting all those who sell food to them. Why is the EU so different than us?

The nice thing about being a student is that there is this sense that what you're doing doesn't matter, because you are preparing for something else. Once you have a job, there's a feeling of "Oh, this is it." And so if you don't like it, you can think about going back to school. But you are wherever you are. Maybe you'll make more money later, but it might not make you happier. Maybe it won't give you much of a leg up. The psychology of it is pretty interesting, though.

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We keep on talking about places we would live. The pressure is on. I am becoming less interested in moving abroad. I would rather live here and travel, I think. I would have a much easier time finding people interesting people in a US city, people that I connect with. People from other countries are plenty interesting, but I often don't understand them, culturally. And there will be so many interesting prospects for jobs. But I do have to make sure I travel to some great places and keep up my Spanish. That's the nice thing about a diverse city, lots of international communities.

I want to know where I want to look for jobs *soon* so I can start researching and talking to people. But it's so hard to say. I will know when it feels right. I'm not sure if I want to go back to MN yet. Maybe a little later. MN feels like home, like I could live there for years, so maybe I don't want to go back yet.

I had another quick weekend trip to NYC. There were, as always, lots of shiny things to look at and lots of people, but it's nice to be back in an area where few areas are so gray, people are pretty chilled out, and stress is low. I have a lot of work to do before Thanksgiving, though. It will be worth it in the end so I can graduate on time.

In the past few weeks, I can see where the wrinkles in my face will form. People don't think I look old yet, but I can see how it will happen soon, especially when I have a child. Children age you, quickly. I'm happy about it, to be farther away from that age when people are reckless and less appreciative of what they have. It is an exciting thing. And, I'm still myself. I'm not getting more hardened and cynical, I was born that way and every day is an opportunity to shed that.

At the memorial service (which was packed, he was well-known and liked), I talked to his poor father, telling him about how I had met him, and how he was so warm and genuine. He smiled, smiling so big without daring to stop, because if he stopped smiling he wouldn't be able to stop crying, and thanked me for telling him this story. It meant so much to him to hear these things from others. I thought, "I was just going to tell him that one story, but I can't leave now, until someone else comes to tell him their story," in a kind of panicked way, because I really didn't know him that well. So I racked my brain and told him every interaction I could think of, keeping him entertained, until I found someone else to introduce him to, to keep him occupied with stories.

I know he must have been very sick to kill himself, but seeing his dad's face showed me very clearly the true consequences of suicide. He was in hell, and now his poor parents are.

Things for me are alright, luckily. Classes, data analysis, simple stuff.

I feel much better today about everything, talking about it has helped process it. Now I mostly feel awful for the parents, that would be the worst thing. They're coming to a memorial tomorrow and we'll say nice things. I was also talking to someone who has been a crisis line counselor. He said they were trained to use the word "suicide" a lot--it doesn't put the idea in someone's head and it's good to use.

It turns out the student that I knew that died, killed himself. People describe him as happy, but looking back, I am not surprised that he was in a lot of pain. I suppose it was beyond what we could do, but I wish I could have done something all the same. There will be a memorial service, and we will do our best to comfort his parents.

I am so uncomfortable with the culture at Cornell. It hit me hard yesterday, when I was speaking to an undergrad that started a new group. They bring up different cultural and political issues, which I thought was great, since they are usually only addressed in a patronizing way. I told him I was so glad this new group was started, since I find the intellectual culture at Cornell so bizarre and displaced from everything else. He said, "What do you mean? Cornell is the lowest ranked in the Ivy League." I get these strange reactions from almost everyone I talk to here. The people that don't feel like this have a lot of experience with low-income communities (personal or through their work) and aren't really happy here. I guess that includes me.

I miss being around people who gave me strange looks for buying new things, applying to grad school, all that standard stuff. They'd be like, why don't you find it used, why don't you learn on your own, don't get stuck buying into the game. Those questions always pushed me to look at my true motivations, the truth of what I was doing. I want to hang out with people more radical than myself, who push me to question assumptions and do more than I am doing. I have no problem telling them, "No, this is what I'm doing and I'm fine with it", whether it's being materialistic or going to school, or anything else. Making compromises is a part of living in such a destructive world. But I want to be asked and I want to be around people who don't take everything for granted. It takes a lot of courage to buck the norms and I admire people like that.

Happy Halloween!

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." --Jack Handey

I'm going to a bunch of parties tomorrow night (partying-type parties), and I just decided on my costume: a missionary! I have a prim and proper dress and name-tag and will hand out anti-Halloween pamphlets (same as a religious group at my undergrad used to hand out). It will be so funny! I love the contrast. The contrasts are in my own life: Boring, studious non-drinker going to multiple parties. Devout environmentalist studying pesticides. Anti-tech sympathizer blogging. Ah, maybe I'm just a hypocrite. Or maybe things are just complex~~

There was a local meat fair recently, it's kind of sad. It doesn't really matter where the animal is killed, I think. I am getting more comfortable living in a world that does not value the same things as me, though. I realized this with all the herbicide work I have been doing. I learned about herbicides for the weeds contest, became a certified pesticide applicator, and am learning/teaching about herbicides as a TA. It's interesting to learn about and get the real, unbiased story on. And I realize, that it is complex. I see why farmers use them and farm kids make fun of people who want to ban them all. And yet, it doesn't feel right at all. I don't think it's a good way to think about these agro-ecological systems we're creating, or to deal with the problem. On the outside, it looks like I have completely flipped my stance (as many older people tell young people they will do), but the reality is that I haven't at all. I just see the nuance in the situation and have a lot more respect for those who disagree than I used to.

It amazes me to see I don't feel nearly as conflicted as I used to, without changing my core values. I do my best regardless of anything because it's based on what I feel to be right, not on ideology (ideally!). Much more difficult is smaller, everyday things--not arguing with people close to me, or gossiping, or thinking snide thoughts. The big things are easier to do right but the small wrongs are much more significant than I often realize.

speed reading

I have been wondering how I managed to get into graduate school. I don't feel particularly smart, anymore, compared to my peers. But I just took a bunch of online reading speed tests (yes, I was procrastinating!). That is the reason I have gotten as far as I have. I have never met anyone who reads faster than me. I chalk it up to a passion for Babysitter's Club books at age 7 :) I'd check out ten books from the library and read them all in a day or two.

Yes, hard work, interest, passion, sticking to a goal, help from others, etc all helped. But I have no idea what I would do if I couldn't read as fast as I can. The downside is that it has made me impatient in a lot of ways. I don't like listening to stories or lectures because I know I can read the same in a tiny fraction of the time. And that's if I read the whole thing. My usual MO is to skim, and then go back and extract the info I need. I skip what seems boring or not useful. I'm grateful, I depend on this skill, it's a gift I didn't earn, and it keeps me sane in grad school (I would have no time to take care of myself if I were a slow reader). But I'm becoming acutely aware that I've relied on it in ways that make me lazy and impatient as well. Time to work on those areas. It is amazing to *see* something I've taken for granted.

My one thought is, can I get to be this fast in another language? I doubt it, and it makes me not want to read in any other language (impatience!). My first year of Japanese they had speed reading tests as part of the grade. You would read out loud, as fast as you could. I *killed* at those tests, and it was completely unfair. And my comprehension was 0. I comprehend English when I read, but in another language, it's speed or meaning, not both. I cannot remember learning to read English (I do remember learning to spell), so I'm not sure how to learn to read another language well. I just loved reading more than anything else and remember everything I read vividly. I might be below average in other methods of learning.

Hatha yoga reflections

I seem to go to yoga classes about once a month, and do more short bits on my own. I would really love to try Iyengar, which focuses on alignment. I am not a big fan of Vinyasa or Ashtanga; too fast for my taste (though I do do them, every so often). I like yin yoga, and restorative when in the mood to relax, and hatha (technically, all poses are hatha yoga, but the hatha ones seem to be beginning classes without the vinyasa "flow"); anything slow that lets me feel my body and really open things up. I'm not sure if the gym here has Iyengar, and the gym ones are the best deal for me financially.

Other types I know are:
-Bikram--haven't done, no interest
-Kundalini-totally different than everything else. Sometimes I like it, sometimes not. Lots of breathwork, kriyas, interval-style exercise with mini-meditations and chanting.
-Viniyoga--I *think* this is what I tried at a small studio in St. Paul once. Kind of weird but good--can't remember details, though. Or was it Kripalu? There were different, little flowy parts, unlike vinyasa. You would move just one little part back and forth for a bit.
-Tri-yoga--I liked this; more yang than my favorites mentioned, but lots of good work and stretches.
-Forrest yoga--more "power" yoga-ish than I prefer. Ana Forrest is amazing to watch, though. It's like a dance form when she does it, very athletic and beautiful.

I am very sore, so I may do some on my own later today!

Paw-paws

I went to Cornell Orchards recently and it is paw-paw season! It grows well in the northeast, but there are problems with its commercial potential since when it ripens, it gets mushy and can't be shipped.

Paw-paw is related to the custard apple (cherimoya) and has that semi-gooey inside with hard, dark seeds. It's not my favorite, but there are potential health benefits above and beyond the average fruit; they have compounds that are under investigation for cancer and lupus treatment.

It's still fall here. The colors are so amazing, my eyes can't get enough of it. And it is actually sunny today (yesterday, too!).

I feel very lucky right now that I'm in a position to travel as much as I have been. I end up going someone else once a month, on average--not bad considering I'm in school. I think that's a benefit of being a midwesterner on the east coast; everything seems so much closer, relative to before. Next month I'll travel to both NYC and MN (NYC the first weekend in Nov, MN for Thanksgiving), and Dec I'll go to MN, Jan I have a conference in Cambridge, MA and may stop by NYC as well (especially since it will be winter break). That, on top of all the people I know who have traveled and share their experiences with me, make me feel like I have the whole world covered. Hearing the stories and being able to compare them seems to trigger something in me, some sort of understanding. Such as, "Oh! this thing I always took for granted, can actually be quite different than I imagined," or, "This is the same in a place so different? We really are the same in some fundamental way." So, so lucky.

I know a few people linked with Brooklyn community gardens and I want to check out that scene and any other ag-related things there, possibly this winter. We shall see... that's the big thing about my school, I guess. Lots of connections, opportunities for networking.

Okay, this article on spirituality is too funny. And true. There can be a lot of materialism-disguished-as-wise-teachings involved. All we can do is listen to our guts.

various updates

I'm halfway done with my program already! The end is near. It's very exciting. Already, I have to finish the lit review for my thesis and start crunching my first year of data. I also have some more grants to apply for... my adviser said I should decide on a school if I want to go on for a PhD, or otherwise I will probably start interviewing in September, as I use that semester to finish things up. The job prospect sounds much more exciting to me, I want to work in a city. There are still fields and ag-related things in cities, so there will be many options. I really want to work for sustainable ag in some way; it's very important to me.

My favorite thing about being here is that I am no longer smart. I feel dumb a lot. Being smart (=scoring well on standardized tests) always felt like a liability. It meant I had to get top grades and that other people felt uncomfortable (since self-worth=scores on standardized tests). Here, everyone has done well with tests. There's always someone far more brilliant or type A than you (and I am not type A at all). It's a relief! It also means lots of intellectual stimulation, which I love (and was sorely lacking at my old job). Here, you can say something like, "I am fascinated by Japanese linguistics" or "reading ancient Greek texts is an old hobby of mine" and no one bats an eye (for the record, the first but not the second is true). And I use things I studied a long time ago, like genetics and biochemistry, all the time (to understand research). Of course, the flip side can be snobbery and lack of social skills. But I can ignore that and focus on all the great learning :)

I've been trying to resume my Brazilian Portuguese studies. I know one person who is basically fluent in it, and another trying to learn. So we're trying to get together. Mine is very bad, but forcing yourself is the best way to learn. It's so hard to keep the different Romance languages straight.
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My yoga practice is fruiting. I'm not suffering from anxiety like before. I'm starting to get back some of what I've put out. I'm very grateful and continue to put energy in that area. Not too much, but just enough.

I'm going out to the field one last time today. My peppers are long gone, but I have to take a look at the cover crop in the new field. It's a nice break from schoolwork. I'm so tired of all these science classes and wish I could have a fun language class to break things up, like I used to have before. I'm remembering now, I was never very good at science. I don't catch on quickly and getting As in the classes is a tremendous amount of work (that I'm not really willing to put in). My brain is built some other way. Luckily I don't find reading literature and writing about it to be too difficult. It's difficult conceptually, but at least there's nothing to memorize. Very important for an MS (Master of Science).

The NYT has a new article on how "shouting is the new spanking", basically what parents do when they lose their temper. I'm glad society is progressing in this manner. It doesn't mean you can't be strict with boundaries, it just means you do your best to stay level-headed with your children, and not let the go get involved. I won't say that is easy--I'm sure it's harder than I can imagine. But it's an important responsibility.

Last night at my peer counseling training, we had a LGBT panel. One thing that struck me was a comment someone made on how the "coming out" process is never done. You have to do it again and again and again. That's why so many will leave small towns and move to big liberal cities, so it's not a big deal. I can't imagine having to do that, I wouldn't want to. It's too bad it has to be a "thing"--where even if you are accepted, people will tend to identify you by your sexuality. And if your preferences change, that had to be a big deal, too. You can't just be doing your thing.

One thing I didn't get, maybe never will, was when they defined transgender. I have never felt like a woman in a woman's body. I am a person (or soul, or whatever) in a body that happens to be female. I would have no problem being a man--though nearly 26 years of socialization as a female would make it hard at this point. But I could have switched ten years ago, and it wouldn't have felt like a big deal for me. Of course, there's nothing for me to get, people should do whatever feels most honest to them. But how common is this idea of an internal, "mind" gender? Do non-trans people feel it, too? I'm glad people are more concerned with people being themselves than sticking to rigid gender roles, but I am curious about how a true self could have anything to do with a gender identity.

I babysat last night for a 3 1/2 year old; it was a lot of fun. I've missed it, and it was very helpful for her parents. She was so funny--I asked her how old her parents are, and she said her mom was "10:30". And her dad was maybe "21", "23", or "20-10!". ("23" was the correct answer). I would have been fine if she had put up a big fuss about bedtime, but since she doesn't know me very well, she was great. We read three books, she went to the bathroom (by herself!), put on her pjs, and I tucked her in. I wish adults would play like kids do, I'm so tired of stuffy adults.

On the other hand, I am grateful for the opportunity I've been given with my schooling. After over a year of studying these things, it starts to feel like it's all coming together. I understand it from a big picture view, which helps me get the details. I read scientific papers and see why they're interesting. And I can better understand scientific articles that aren't in my field at all. It's a certain way of thinking that I have learned. The trouble comes when people think that's it's the best or only way to think. But as a tool, I'm glad to have it. I'm surprised, I'll have a degree that actually means something :p

allergies

I had noticed a while back that my allergies got really bad when I ate wheat. I laid off on it for awhile and noticed that when I reintroduced it, it was fine and peachy. Yea! I don't like avoiding normal things, even though I don't care much about wheat.

But... my ragweed allergies are very bad now, and spending time in the greenhouse with it (even if only a few hours a week) is no good. I'll be glad when that is done in a few weeks. I wonder if I should get acupuncture, it helped a lot with my springtime allergies, way back when.

Oh--the new green mentioned before--was mizuna.

This past weekend was fall break. It's supposed to be a time to catch up if you are behind, or to relax or travel if you need to wind down. I was supremely lazy; I should stop fooling myself that I am going to get much done. It's just too hard to sit for hours reading papers and writing about them. Mainly I sat around, cooking, eating, reading things for fun, laying down. And I laid in bed for at least an hour after I got up. I meditated, but I also read and then just lay there. That's always been my natural inclination in the morning. Then I have to leave, before I get too bored and my head starts to hurt (from boredom?). It's been a pattern for years.

Ultimately, I would prefer living in a bigger place (city) than here because there are more distractions. Distractions from what? Distractions from who? I guess, myself. Honestly, it works in the short-term (distractions and feeling better).

But it's not my situation, so I am trying to take on the mind-set of choosing to enjoy what there is. Like when it was raining and my sister was here. Instead of "Oh no, it's cloudy and grey and there is nothing to do inside," we ran outside, jumping in puddles, going up to the lookout spot, running in circles. It was so much fun.

Once in a while, I feel like I can really see everything right before me. When I can see everything, I don't get bored so easily. It just doesn't come up. I see the patterns created by the light, playing over the wrinkles in the crumpled cloth on the bed. Or the gently curling of a black leaf, twisting down as it senescences from lack of water. Then, gradually, I can't see again. How could I not see what is right in front of me?

I am trying to remind myself to see. Frame of mind is everything.

(Image from wikipedia.com)

I got a new green from my CSA! I mostly like it because it's pretty, but it has a nice flavor, too. More bite than some greens, but not as spicy as arugula. \\
The first time I bought arugula, I didn't know much. I was trying to make a green juice like I had gotten at the coop's juice bar, and I used arugula, thinking it was like any other green. What a nasty surprise that was! So I have a bad impression of arugula from that juicing incident.

We're going home for Thanksgiving, after all. That should be fun! My grandmother's also gotten interested in Dr. McDougall's vegan, low-fat cooking, so we will have a delicious, vegan-friendly contingent! As much as I don't like to stick to any sort of diet, I have to honestly say my preferred way of eating is pretty close to what he prescribes. I know many people do better with higher fat than he recommends, and low-fat is not so popular these days, but my preference is an honest aesthetic one :)

The contrast of the sky with the leaves is amazing. Even the grey days don't bother me, especially if I have music. One day I shouldn't need headphones to drown out my mind... but for now it is very uplifting to trek up the hill with music. Whether cloudy or sunny, every day the colors blow my mind.

My new favorite thing happening to me is that I'm beginning to appreciate people more--people who previously, I would have rolled my eyes at. My instructor's silly jokes, evangelical Christian radio, etc. It's much better going through life appreciating what is. Of course, I recognize ignorance. But I don't need to let it throw me off course.

Been cooking lots of pumpkin lately! They had a watermelon with my CSA and I didn't accept it because it's been cold and rainy... eating watermelon just seems to be asking to feel cold and wet inside. The pumpkin is cinnamon and nutmeg-y and delicious.

the end of a season

Today I pulled the last of the stakes out of my pepper field. They are still producing! There hasn't been a frost yet, but I'm done with the field. It'll be tilled and seeded with some sort of cover crop. My next field is already seeded with cover crops and I'll have to take some measurements in about two weeks.

Even though I was only there to pull out stakes, I filled two huge bags (like, garbage sized bags) full of red peppers. And I picked a fraction of them (and no green ones--most are green!). It's just an acre, but there are so many. I give them away (in addition to what the food bank takes from our farm) and I'm a hero to everyone. Free organic peppers :)

I ordered The Procrastinator's Handbook, which is supposed to be a good book for grad students (grad school is an excellent opportunity to procrastinate--avoid writing). I heard about it at the peer counselor trainings I've been going to weekly. The focus is on empathetic listening without advice-giving and I'm very glad I'm doing it. It helps me listen to someone else without reacting or turning the conversation to me, or giving advice (and what do I really know about how to solve someone else's feelings, anyway?).

thought of the day (for myself)

I think, to not judge people for judging others, is a good idea.

We went to DC and NYC this weekend; it was a a quick-paced trip and very enjoyable. It makes me wonder if I should apply my skills to urban ag. Ithaca is lovely and I will always have a soft spot for it. I gaze down at the landscape from the Cornell hill a couple times every day, and observe the gorges, and know I am lucky. But I am not meant to stay.

I have been feeling really good lately, with intermittent (and sporadic) moments of partial clarity. My meditation is clearing out the garbage and making my overall life a little more liveable, bit by bit. The "bit by bit" part is important. My mantra meditation beforehand was bringing up so many things at once, I was unable to keep up with it. I could see what I needed to do for every little thing, and it was way too much. It could make a person go crazy to know all of that, so I wouldn't recommend it. Total self-introspection can be devastating before everything has cleared, because you can't respond to it all and don't yet feel the connection to everything else (which you can see keeps everything flowing, if you pace yourself). But now, I just feel grateful.

fall

I am still enjoying the atmosphere of fall so much... the change in the air, the rustling leaves, the colors, the bizarre mix of cold and warm days. I completely missed this last year, so caught up in everything that was going on and trying to find my place.

We're going to DC this weekend and I'm trying to get excited about sitting in a car. It should be fun to go someplace different, I guess. I never can see what's so different, though. A city is a city. The country is the country. All places are the same, just a little bit different. I guess I go just to see, just to make sure I'm not missing anything huge, and to take any small thing that might be different back.

My peppers are still fruiting and I have to get the final data from it this week. Then, analyze it and prepare it all. What a pain! It will be nice to be out of school, with simple deadlines that don't bother you outside of the 40 hours. That's why I have no desire to be a business owner. I will go to a job I like full-time, but then I want to do something else. Doesn't matter what I'm doing.

I kind of like how my body stores stress in my body, so that when there is a release, I can really feel it, and there can be a nice releasing sound: pop pop. And when it's there, it stabs or pokes at me all day long, so I can never forget there's something I'm not letting go of. Bad in the short run, but maybe good in the long run. Lately I have been better at not fighting the painful spots so much. Once in a while, I just relax, accept that it's there, and then without anticipating it, I get a nice pop pop from doing nothing at all! Not yoga, not anything. I hate being told to "let go" because it's such useless advice that you can't do anything with (you can't "do" undoing), but I know my mind, and when I can find just the right way to distract it, I can get a small letting go. It's a nice small thing that might not happen again, but it's nice to appreciate the little things.

The overachiever

I am realizing where the stereotype of a grad student working a million hours a day, never sleeping. Some advisers do push very hard--but much more common is the type A personality, who puts ridiculous expectations on themselves. It is really amazing to watch. One person wakes up at 3 am, studies, runs, studies, hours later goes to class, studies, studies, studies, and then off to bed at 11 or 12 (midnight). Another goes to the lab on weekends from 5 am to 7 pm, with breaks only or eating.

I know for a fact their advisers don't demand this. It is all internal. I don't consider it totally admirable, though. In yoga classes, they talk about ahimsa (non-violence) applying to yourself just as much, and the importance of not going too far with yourself. If you push too hard, in the end you cause more harm than benefit to yourself.
Luckily, I physically can't sustain this type of schedule -- I would get sick in a week, and I would be grateful for it, because physical sickness is the only respected reason for rest in our society. Mental or emotional health is not considered nearly as much. Thus a slew of therapy and positive psychology programs at my school, to push back against this mentality of achieving at all costs.

I don't mean to be critical of these people. I respect their efforts highly. But I am concerned about the implications. Already I can see effects on their moods, and I feel a lot of compassion. They won't believe that doing less than 1000% is good enough.

Wow:
"I call myself a feminist. Isn't that what you call someone who fights for women's rights?" said the Dalai Lama to an audience in Memphis yesterday. "We all come from the same mother. That creates the basis for compassion."

I think these sorts of ideas are especially important coming from men, because the marginization of the feminine is ultimately just as harmful to them. The idea that having stereotypically feminine emotions (emotions at all, besides being hard) is not for men, is an idea that serves no one. Feminism as a rebalancing for both genders is very valuable.
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As for me-- we are still harvesting peppers! It is incredible. Loads and loads of peppers. I have to give my plot of land back October, and I'm sure they will keep going until then, since it isn't supposed to freeze.

The politics here is so bizarre. There is a big myth here that a Cornell education is far superior to education elsewhere, there's not enough humbleness and acknowledgment of what we don't have or know. I was exposed to a lot more diversity (people in all sorts of different life situations, and less likely to be rich) at my state school, and wasn't under the delusion that I was receiving a far superior education. Furthermore, the teaching is not better. The facilities for my department are not better. In terms of sustainability, they are not ahead at all. Schools like Iowa State and US Santa Cruz are actually far ahead. There are a lot of great things here, but perspective is sorely lacking.

And typical for academic institutions, outreach to community is undervalued. Published research is what counts. That's part of being in a university setting, and a reason I'm not interested in academia.

Yoga sutra

From http://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/yogasutr.htm

1.30. Disease, inertia, doubt, lack of enthusiasm, laziness, sensuality, mind-wandering, missing the point, instability- these distractions of the mind are the obstacles.

1.31. Pain, despair, nervousness, and disordered inspiration and expiration are co-existent with these obstacles.

1.32. For the prevention of the obstacles, one truth should be practiced constantly.

1.33. By cultivating friendliness towards happiness and compassion towards misery, gladness towards virtue and indifference towards vice, the mind becomes pure.

1.34. Optionally, mental equanimity may be gained by the even expulsion and retention of energy.

1.35. Or activity of the higher senses causes mental steadiness.

1.36. Or the state of sorrowless Light.

1.37. Or the mind taking as an object of concentration those who are freed of compulsion.

1.38. Or depending on the knowledge of dreams and sleep.

1.39. Or by meditation as desired.

Fall!

I have been so busy bemoaning the fact that another long, gloomy Ithaca winter is coming (MN is colder but much sunnier!) that I almost forgot how much I love fall.

The evidence:

Annual % avg possible sunshine, by city
New York City, Central Park, NY: 58%
Minneapolis-St.Paul, MN: 58%
Syracuse (an hour away): 46%
Seattle, WA: 47%
Portland, OR: 48%

So the northeast gets more sun than us here!

Okay, done with complaining. Best things about fall, here or anywhere else in the north:
-changing leaves!
-crispness in the air
-perfect running weather--sunny, warm mid-day but cool morning and night
-apple picking, fresh apples, and all the spices that go with apple-flavored treats (cinnamon, nutmeg, etc)
-winter squash
-all the holidays coming up (which I'm not really into, except for my b-day in Nov, but I might as well celebrate it all)
-for those in school, we're still fresh and excited to learn, and not quite jaded yet ;)

Some interesting articles:
Primitive cultures are simple, civilization is complex (a falsehood)
What's wrong with eco-stunts

From http://images.google.com/url?source=imgres&ct=ref&q=http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattchamplin/2938153364/&usg=AFQjCNFSbOn4OpN-80yP3ekxzQOMVWrYtg


The air is crisp and nights are cold, but days are sunny and warm. Squash and apples are being harvested--I'm baking lots of cinnamon-flavored desserts. There's also a locally grown and milled whole wheat flour available, so I want to try making my own bread. I'm a bit lazy for the yeasted bread, so I'm trying quick breads--either sweet with fruit (like banana, or currents) and spiced, or savory with herbs.

My breath-watching meditation is going well. I was just thinking that it didn't seem to be doing anything, and that maybe it was a waste of time. Just my mind playing games, I realize when I step back. Before my meditation was too strong, and now that I don't see instant results I think I am wasting my time? So silly. Looking objectively, I have to say I am really happy with it. I just need to stop being lazy, meditating laying down. I am a lot more undisciplined mentally during meditation if I am laying down instead of sitting up.

There is an alternatives library here. It is really neat; it has magazines, CDs, DVDs, and lots of different kinds of books. I checked out a few Buddhist magazines. They are interesting but it just doesn't attract me the way yoga does. I really like Jack Kornfield though, a Buddhist clinical psychologist who has done a lot to bring mindfulness meditation into the mainstream in the past few decades. I really admire that-- in the beginning it was rather a rather radical act, and now it is something doctors will recommend in conjunction with other therapies (possibly medication and conventional therapy). Some feel that it loses something when it is brought into the secular realm, but I think making it accessible does far more in this case.

A quote from him: I don't think there is dharma practice on the one hand and psychology on the other. I believe that sets up a false dichotomy.

I agree.

I'm reading the Yoga Sutras. They are short and are meant to be taken in slowly, and meditated on (I suppose). There are also many commentaries available on them. There are also many translations--sadly, I think a fair amount gets lost in translation from the original Sanskrit.

They translate "yoga" as "Union" here, I notice. I think it may be British... they use "fancy" where I've seen "imagination" before.

An idea here seems to be, that until we are able to clear our minds and see what is true, we are not living in reality.

From Sacred-Texts:

1.1 Now, instruction in Union.

1.2. Union is restraining the thought-streams natural to the mind.

1.3. Then the seer dwells in his own nature.

1.4. Otherwise he is of the same form as the thought-streams.

1.5. The thought-streams are five-fold, painful and not painful.

1.6. Right knowledge, wrong knowledge, fancy, sleep and memory.

1.7. Right knowledge is inference, tradition and genuine cognition.

1.8. Wrong knowledge is false, illusory, erroneous beliefs or notions.

1.9. Fancy is following after word- knowledge empty of substance.

1.10. Deep sleep is the modification of the mind which has for its substratum nothingness.

1.11. Memory is not allowing mental impressions to escape.

1.12. These thought-streams are controlled by practice and non-attachment.

I've been running this week. Fall is the perfect time for running--cool, crisp air and sun at the same time. Beautiful clouds and changing trees. Nothing makes me think of change more than watching the leaves change in fall.

I love the way running makes me feel but hadn't in a long time because it hurt. All my tension goes into certain nooks and crannies in my back and it makes running painful. So I don't exercise as much, and I feel less energetic, and feel even less like running. But I have been doing some yoga kriyas lately, and they seem to dissipate the energy well, so that I feel like running. I should have tried that a long time ago, I kept thinking that would help. So funny how we know the answers, but don't listen to ourselves. 

Interesting article on cooking and human evolution (they're related!). I'm inclined to think his claims have merit, especially because of the following:

JZ: So you don’t give much credence to the health claims of present-day raw foodists?

RW: I give a lot of credence to some of the health claims of raw foodists. The fact that I don’t think raw diets are natural does not undermine their claims that they get various kinds of benefits. One benefit of course is [raw foodists] lose weight. Another benefit is that [the diet] reduces various kinds of allergies. I can well believe that some people are sensitive to some of the compounds produced by cooking. I don’t think everybody is.

I like it when people are open-minded, looking at issues from multiple sides. Raw foodists, on the other hand, tend not to. I like the restaurants, I like eating simply, but the dogma as a whole is so silly. While some seem to do better on all raw, I really think it is unbalanced for many others... I am glad I went to the Tree of Life, I saw lots of neat things and met neat people. But I like a more centered approach in the end.

Not sure why the font in this post is so strange.

Today was the second training for this peer counseling training I am in. The whole thing will take a year, and then I can actually be a peer counselor here. If you don't finish it, you still gain listening skills for your personal and professional life. 

They have us use real-life problems for examples, since they're more realistic. They also find it's easier to be empathetic later on if you've done some of the work on yourself--recognizing your own issues. We actually had to make a list! I could make a long list... but the reassuring thing is that many of their list examples didn't resonate with me :)

It's fascinating to hear about others' problems. We're not supposed to talk about them--but basically they show the universality of the human experience. The themes you can find are so interesting to me--conflict between expected emotion and actual emotion. Disappointment in self and those who were trusted. Not meeting expectations set for self. A screenwriter could get a lot of fuel for some scripts... :)

Whole Foods is at it again, never walking the walk.

One thing I hear recommended a lot for creative expression is random dance to music, without regard to form or how it looks. People kept recommending it and I keep thinking it was a good idea--I am thinking it is good again, especially if I've been studying, to get tension out.... that's all, just a random thought.

Classes still going well. We are thinking abut doing a few more trips before the end of the year. DC, maybe Canada, maybe Boston.

Fall is in the air--I saw a perfectly formed, red maple leaf on the ground. We're still harvesting--my peppers are still producing, and some nearby fields have winter squashes and cabbage and even melon! The first frost is not for several weeks most likely, and my CSA goes through October, I believe--at any rate, several weeks longer than the CSAs in MN do. A nice benefit! Hardy greens especially, get only sweeter after a frost.

My classes are going well. I love the weeds course I am assisting with. It's so fun to sit back and absorb the material, without having to be tested on it. The test is every class, if the students have any questions. The prof is so enthusiastic, he seems hopped up on caffeine. He just loves the class.

The benefit to school, that should be inherent in any job, is the mental stimulation. I loved my job the first few years, when it was a challenge. I was figuring out the ins-and-outs, learning Spanish, and figuring out how to best counsel people. After that, it was miserable because it was so boring. But new challenges would have made all the difference. I could have done it for many more years with any sort of challenge added to it. So, you don't have to go back to school to get that stimulation. You just have to find a way to get it from your job. It was also fun to take community ed courses at night, and learn things completely different from what I needed for work.

Tomorrow I take a pesticide applicator certification exam. My adviser wanted me to because it makes me more marketable, and I found a way for someone else to pay for it. It's very amusing to me--I don't "believe in" pesticides! It is true that there are some organic sprays, but generally it's a way of solving a problem that I don't believe is very helpful in the long run. Still, whatever adds to my knowledge base is useful--better to be educated about your decisions.

I decided to make a big switch in my meditations, from the mantra I had been using, to a breath-watching meditation. It sounds ridiculous, but the mantra meditation is too powerful for me. I have to be super cautious, and it shouldn't be like that. It should be calming, centering afterwards. The proof in the pudding is the way you feel afterwards. So I will do a breath-watching meditation until I feel better otherwise. It's so crazy because after fighting and fighting with the idea, I am willing to do it. I will sit there, every day, for half an hour or an hour or whatever it takes. I know it is the key, to so much. But it's been over a year and I have to be honest about what works. I have a disposition that needs a softer form of meditation, for now.

Both yesterday and the day before I got to go on a friend's boat on the lake (Seneca Lake, I think?). This never would have happened in MN, even though there's more lakefront-- because it's urban, it's in higher demand and more costly. I miss home a lot but there is a lot I never would have gotten to do there. The idea of "home" that is in my head doesn't really exist anyway--people have moved and everything is different. There is no true home to go back to. And then I will be changed, used to the natural beauty and quiet out here. Aren't I young to be experiencing so much nostalgia? Where will home ever exist?

Of course I love visiting home--but that is vacation, and not representative of daily life.

ramble ramble on Buddhism and books

Last year, I was by myself at a used bookstore in NYC (Strand) and a guy started talking to me about some kind of Buddhism. In all honesty, I was kind of unbalanced at the time. I felt all out of sorts from the move away from MN, and had started meditating, and it was all a lot for me. But the same toughness that didn't see this (my sensitivity, and overdoing change) kept me safe walking around the city by myself. Anyway, this guy was nice, and it was interesting talking to him. He was from some sort of Buddhism where there is a stick they chant to. He gave me a sheet of paper with the info and I promised him I would look at the website, even though I wasn't really interested in chanting to a stick. I kept the paper because I didn't want to be a liar

Recently, I took the piece of paper from this man out of my purse (I am tossing out everything I can, and that means going through it all). I looked up the website. It was pretty much as he described it, chanting to a stick. Buddhism is interesting (though yoga is what appealed to me from day 1), but not my particular thing, and I may be too Western for this stick chanting. I can dig mantras (I highly recommend the Ravi/Ana kundalini yoga DVDs for a Western crowd; they explain the purpose behind various exercises as you go along). However, chanting is a little too somber for me. I know the stick thing is not as ridiculous as it sounds--but I can't figure out why I'd want to do it. I just thought the whole thing was interesting. I remember mostly wondering why he decided to talk to me. Did I look weird? Now I think he was probably enthusiastic about his practice, and saw I was open-minded. It's so funny, the people you can run into.

I was reminded again because I went to that bookstore, Strand, when we were in NYC last weekend. I love bookstores, and my weakest point, as far as materialism goes, has to be book collecting. I try to give away books I'm not reading (I even gave away my 1984 version of the book 1984--which was my favorite book for several years! I was a somber teenager :) ) and now have the excuse that I'm going to give them away to a local prison book project. They need the books, I insist, so I need to buy them and read them. But the stack is getting to be too much, even for me. Time to start going to the library more often!

I'm listening to Adyashanti, who trained in Buddhist Zen for many years (not sure if "trained" is the right word). He says suffering is caused by misperception, not seeing things as they really are. His writing and speeches are very interesting to me right now. "How am I causing my own suffering through my own misperceptions?" "There is no such thing as a true belief... Reality itself is clear."

Class today was fun. Weed science is like "plant story time", because the instructor has tons of energy and loves to tell stories about things. He told a story about wild parsnip, commonly found on roadsides and in abandoned lots. A girl's father was brought to court for child abuse. The girl (7 or so) has severe welts on her back. It looked as if she had been whipped. The defense brought a weed scientist, who was able to confirm that her welts were from wild parsnip. Apparently there was a patch of it in her backyard that she felt into. It causes contact dermatitis (similar to poison ivy). The father was finally acquitted. Who knew!?

I wasn't looking forward to classes starting, but things have gone very well. I feel more alert, active in my own existence. I'm attempting to understand concepts and complete assignments right away, instead of delaying it. My sensory experience has always been blurred, I'm learning. In class, I don't listen, don't listen, don't listen. I read the notes and book when I feel like it and suddenly-aha!- I understand, in my own way, in my own time.

Why am I so afraid of perceiving things directly? Why can't I understand things as they are being said? I create a layer, which I replay for myself, and then I understand. What a stressful way of doing things--it requires ignoring what is front of me, and putting off comprehension (procrastination), in a matter of seconds. Even if I understand instantly upon replay to myself (and I often do, in my own way; this is the only reason I can pull off doing this), it is so detaching. And I am just beginning to realize, probably draining. Getting myself to experience things as they occur is so hard, I am resisting so much. But cracks in the pattern are beginning to form. I can see some light starting to shine through.

It started to become clear (in the smallest way), when I first heard the yogic idea of samskaras, mental and emotional patterns etched into our brains and bodies. Neuroscience backs this idea up to some degree, and new research on the plasticity of the brain goes along with idea that these can be broken down. The patterns are hard-etched, but can be changed. There are many ways to do it, but yoga is what instantly appealed to me. I wish I had known about the entire multi-facted practice when I was younger--it would have appealed to my 14 year old self and saved me a lot of lost time. But, oh well. You can never know "what might have been".

I'm reading The Wisdom of Yoga, which goes over the eight limbs of yoga with personal experiences (I believe I mentioned this earlier), and the stories speak to the truth of how yoga can overcome this conditioning. The part I'm reading right now speaks to how mild restraint is necessary for getting past the samskaras. Not huge restraint; willpower alone cannot overcome these patterns. But making small choices to reverse harmful habits always pays off. Restraint rewards.

One intriguing example is of a woman who had lived her life in a fairytale. She was pretty and talented, and imagined away anything that didn't fit with this picture-perfect life. When things began to fall apart, she started practicing yoga (not just asana/poses). She began to see how she lied, constantly. She couldn't help it. Small lies were the hardest, especially gossip (truthful speach that is unnecessary/harmful is not "right speach"). So she began working with someone once a week, tracing the samskaras/patterns back to their origins. She committed to the idea of silence--speaking only when absolutely necessary (giving money to a banker or something). It was horrible at first, because it revealed her thoughts. But then, the Witness began to come out; she saw the fruits of restraint. She extended her commitment to more fully experience it. It marked a true shift for her.

Things don't change so fast for me. But the same stubbornness that refuses to let go and continues to resist, is what I'm applying to my sadhana, my yogic practice. The same thing that causes any suffering I experience in life, now properly applied, is starting to do me some good :) I know deep inside I must continue, and that everything will be shed in due time. Over a year after starting meditation, I finally feel a shift starting to occur, lightening my load a little. I'm a tough nut to crack, but it's happening.

I signed up for a volunteer training, for a listening-intensive type of peer counseling. You spend two semesters training, go through an intensive, and then can counsel. I thought it would be good for me to focus on people besides myself, working actively on becoming more empathetic and spending energy on others.

There are some laughter yoga classes at Cornell--I may go to them if I have time. But this training will take up my Monday evenings.

The Wisdom of Yoga looks at the Yoga Sutras from a modern, Western perspective. It has examples from the author's personal life, which are an engaging way of looking at them. Right now I am reading about a friend of the author's who was in Overeaters Anonymous. Within her she had the "hungry ghost", a part of her that hungered for more. This literally played out in her behavior with food, and unhealthy restraint with emotions. I'm glad she agreed to let the author tell her story in this book. I keep thinking to myself, what are you trying to feed? I'm not sure, but it's not true hunger.

We had a lot of fun in NYC this weekend, walking around and seeing people we knew. We didn't go anywhere specifically... we thought about it, but had enough to do with walking around. I got three new books--one about yoga, with a transliteration of the Yoga Sutras (I'm waiting for another copy of that in the mail--it finally is very appealing to me, though a few months ago it would have bored me horribly), and two books by Yogananda--one on relationships, and another on being happy (can't remember any of the titles right now).

I also drove a lot, which is still a sore spot for me. My 3-D visual abilities are awful. I look and I don't see, I see and don't know what it means. But all fears must be confronted at some point, and that point is now for me. As I force myself to look and think and look, I feel like I'm waking up some part of the brain that hasn't been in use at all in this life. So, it was a great trip and I'm making myself learn some new things.
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Another great thing about the start of this school year is being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two more semester of classes, then finish research and thesis. Done! Hopefully some travel (maybe with that research travel grant) before starting a nice job. There is a lot of pressure to get a PhD, and it's very tempting, but I know I made the right decision initially--I don't need that. I could do it, but doing it to prove something or get a fancy title will make me unhappy in the end. Materialism does not work for me.

The students are back. And I'm noticing something that must have been there all along, but that I missed before: Ivy League snobbery. I heard a freshman (I'm guessing) say to her peers, "Look, the one thing everyone here has in common is that we're all smarter than most people."

If you think where you go to school is the only kind of intelligence worth counting, you have a lot to learning to do, from people you might not think you have anything to learn from (not to pick on her--I know she meant it innocently, trying to find her place in the world. But that idea can quickly become unhealthy). On that note, there is a new independent movie I'd love to see called The Philosopher Kings, a documentary with interviews with custodians from universities across the nation (including Cornell). The idea is that wisdom is in places we might not think to look, which I love. One of the custodians I know seems happier than anyone else I see around--always cheerful and saying hi (even when I felt lonely or grumpy), never stressed, and since he comes early, he leaves early. I like that idea, of a simpler life.

My talk went well and it was nice to see how far I've come in a year. I'm excited to be close to finishing up a year from now; I can see the light at the end of a tunnel. I also learned of grant money that would allow me to research an unrelated but plant-related topic anywhere in the world (as long as I can justify it) for a few months after finishing up my own research. I could look at ethnobotanicals, or urban trees, fruit production, or any other neat topic. I would apply this winter though, so I need to get started now. I'd really like to go somewhere where I'd use the language--maybe Spain? It's just brainstorming at this point.

I've noticed for awhile that when I get lost in my thoughts, my visual ability to focus gets shot; everything is a little blurrier (with or without contacts/glasses). Lately I've been stricter about pushing thoughts down before they become a tornado of hopelessness (a phenomenon that has been occurring a lot this past year), and everytime I do, I notice my visual acuity improving. I can actually see what's in front of me, while before I couldn't. It's such a relief... real life is just there, and I don't need to overthink it. I push down thoughts, and just see what there is.

I realized the title of this blog is officially "nothing"--that's what it says for me, at least. I had typed that in as a placeholder when I couldn't think of anything. Now that I'm reading Adyashanti, who initially trained in Zen, it seems quite funny to me.

I'm preparing for a talk I'm giving to my department on Weds. The pretension is so strange and so is the mix of smart people. The horticulture department is not monolithic by any means--it includes turf management as well as trees and ornamentals and floriculture. I think it was a guy in turf that asked me, reluctantly, if I was into that "sustainability stuff" when he heard my area. It's a really funny mix, probably one that would have bothered me more a few years ago. Now I'll just take it as it comes, at least in theory.

The semester starts next week and I have a lot of work to do before then: prepare for a class I am going to TA, give a talk to my department, give a brief talk to a sort of open house for farmers... I guess that's all, but it's enough.

I've been thinking that I should start doing yoga asana (poses) again, because my neck is always so tight. It seems to worsen my allergies, somehow.

Oops, meant to do a longer update but I have to go. We may go on a trip out of town this weekend. We are trying to take advantage of living 5 hours from so many places (unlike in the midwest).

Sometimes I get little brief glimpses of clarity that seem to come from meditating at the start of the day. The funny thing is, it never seems to happen again more than a handful of times. So I can't really know where this will all go, but I know my job is to do it.

Today I went to a potluck with students from the student farm. They are really amazing, idealistic and putting in hard work to keep things going. I would work there if I wasn't working outside all day, and I look forward to do so when I'm stuck writing and analyzing data all day (in a little over a year!).

More and more I reaffirm that a PhD isn't right for me. I like this for now, but I prefer learning on my own, instead of the hoop jumping, over-specific type of learning that's in school. I also miss interacting with people outside of school, getting a more diverse point of view (outside of privileged twenty-somethings). More and more I am seeing the strangeness of the elite school system. People really think they are working so much harder than people at other schools. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's best to be humble while knowing what you're good at. It doesn't mean you have to assume you're working harder than everyone else.

pepper harvest

We harvest bell peppers green, and it's easy to see why. If we waited for all of them to turn red, the ones that turned red first would rot, and that rot spreads. That's why red peppers are so expensive; you lose so many when waiting for them to turn red. I have as many red ones as I can eat, though.

food updates

I finally got some fresh NY melon! All I've had today is fruit and veggies. I wouldn't normally (so restrictive!), but it's so fun to take advantage of fresh fruit while it's in season. Especially melon, which is so bad when it's been shipped. Some was picked from the farm for an event, and there was a lot left over--when else will I have the chance!? So I have a giant melon belly :)

It's also potato season. I don't usually eat them much anymore (though I used to make potato cheese soup ALL the time, and then potato soy-plus-casein-cheese soup before I stopped dairy completely), but they store forever, and they might be nice in a stew.
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Okay, non-food stuff that has been going on:
-we might do a wine tour with some friends soon. I don't really want to drink, but it sounds fun to go around the lake and to try all the different varieties. Apparently grape type and environment really affect taste.
-we might go somewhere this weekend--are currently thinking Toronto or NYC.
-Sept 12th there's a free vegetarian conference event in DC that we might go to. Really, it's just an excuse to go. We'll see the museums or buildings, or whatever is fun.
-there's a new thing in Ithaca, a giant community swapmeet group that lets you give away things/services for free, or swap things with others. I went to one and couldn't believe I had missed two previous ones. I gave away a bunch of clothes and got a few things (mostly I was trying to downsize).

I found a great new blogger today: Puppetji. He has "socksangs" instead of "satsangs" on youtube.

I'm in a small town an hour and a half from Ithaca and I was really unhappy at first. I actually went because my first impulse was to stay at home and be by myself--a negative impulse. I have plenty of alone time, and it can get to be too much. So I wasn't too pleased to find myself in "middle America"--not diverse (I felt really funny being there just a short time), jingoistic lyrics to the music, etc. Part of me is really negative and critical of people who aren't aware of things outside themselves, and it's not a good tendency. Very snobby. So I decided to do the "fake it 'til you make it". We went out on a pond in a little paddle boat and it was fun. I saw a cute little snake, a beautiful sunset, and I enjoyed seeing their garden. So I enjoyed it in the end, but it's still not for me. I'd rather be in a more progressive, diverse area.

One neat thing I found was a Mother Earth News (a back-to-the-land type magazine, it looks at organic farming and homesteading) from 1973. The problems then were the same as now--it makes me think things can keep hobbling on for a long time, treating the lowest class poorly and taking from the earth without giving back. There were many letters from people looking for similarly minded people (no internet back then!), and I wonder what became of them. I know several back-to-land farmers that moved from cities to farms in the 70s, and I deeply respect them. The magazine is a fascinating look back.

quick update

I was outside all day today, counting and cutting weeds from measured, randomized areas of the fields. The fog in the morning gradually gave way to fierce sun, and we were out there for it. It's hard work, but I still appreciate being out there. The quietness has grown on me. It's gentle and low stress. The transition from city to town was long and painful, but finally I appreciate it and the city seems stressful. People don't yell at me here, I don't have to be on guard, and there's lots of green space. It's also nice to be so close to our food source. Sweet corn and melon is in season now! No melon on the research farm, but sweet corn will be coming.

I also hosted a kim chee workshop (not taught by me--but I got some kim chee) this week.

Adyashanti: "Sitting in silence is one of the best truth meters we have, because if it doesn't exist when you're sitting in silence, then it doesn't actually exist... If it doesn't exist when I'm not thinking about it, then it doesn't exist... very little that we hold to be real survives this test."

My sister left. I knew her so well as a baby and didn't know her at all any more; I'm so glad I was able to bring her. I actually didn't have the money, I just felt duty calling and charged it. Money is just money... letting it get out of control makes it rule you, but little things here and there don't really matter at all.

She is much smarter than I was at that age. Maybe even now, in some ways. She saw the sun was setting, while we were watching a movie on my computer, and wanted to run out and see it (there are some steps we can run up easily, to get to a summit on the hill). My thoughts were telling me that that was too much work--and then I ran up with her and it was amazing. My thoughts can be taken with a grain of salt :)

I feel more of a 'letting go' lately. I started watching talks with Adyashanti, who I had seen before but instantly made me bored. I have a bit more silence now--enough for those gentle sentences and long pauses to feel more like an opening. I started doing a little bit of breathwork before meditating, and it seems to have helped things even out.

People close to me still push my buttons like crazy. What's the point of becoming more open if you fall back to the old ways with those you love the most? So I'm glad I'm constantly getting the opportunity to drop my argument, my stance. Even though I still rarely do >:)

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The increased silence has come at the perfect time. I feel like I've barely been holding on by a thread this past year. Now I have three short talks to give and I relish the opportunity. I will also be TAing, and possibly talking about my research at a conference in Jan. A great way for me to develop my skills and meet new people. I don't know how much networking will help, since I'm not interested in many jobs available. There will be many things though--no worries. I will see what's available when the time comes to choose.

miscellany

This is the new vegan restaurant in Ithaca! It's officially open now.

playing in the rain

It's all just names of weeds. Common chickweed (Stellaria media) is in the pink family, also known as Caryophyllaceae. I need to know all these names, so they're on the brain. I love seeing plants on the side of the road and being familiar with them-- it makes the whole world feel more friendly.

Meditation feels like a few steps forward, a few steps back. Patterns are hard to break. It's been a year now, since I committed, and mostly things are the same. But today I felt a gap for the first time--a real gap, several times. It was very short, because it would get interrupted by ridiculous, self-congratulatory thoughts. But it was nice. Everything happens in those gaps. Everything else is just stories, in the head. I listen to the stories, because ignoring them makes them worse. But I don't believe them anymore. So when I try to figure out which voice is which (which is my inner voice? which is my fear? etc.), it's not a problem. I don't believe any of it; only direct, unmediated experience exists. There are still lots and lots of thoughts, but I don't feel like it is me thinking them anymore. They're just everywhere.

My sister is here. It was raining, and I said it was too bad, because I don't like walking in the rain. She said, "Oh, I like the rain." Hmmm... who says I don't like the rain? My thoughts come so fast, they overlap: It's too cold, I don't like it because I get cold and wet and uncomfortable. I hate being cold, so much. [I'm constantly unhappy because there's a problem with everything, so I don't like anything, so I never have any fun and I wonder why]. I don't believe my thoughts so much anymore--so I said to my sister, "Let's go!"

We ran outside into the pouring rain. It was warm and felt so good. We ran around for at least ten minutes, splashing in puddles, running down the "river" in the street, going up some stairs on the hill to try and see the city (all clouds!). Any thought that doesn't feel good isn't of any use to me. Even if I can't always realize that now, it is ultimately true in the end.

My sister is so much smarter than me. I'm glad I listened to her.