I've been trying to not force things quite as much, to take small places where I can see I've been forcing, and try and let go there. I'm so tired of forcing things. It doesn't feel right and it goes against my intuition. So it's been with my meditation practice.

I don't like feeling like I'm fighting or forcing so hard, it doesn't feel right. It's different from discipline--discipline is taking the next step to focus oneself, without doing anything that goes against the grain or can't be sustained.

I decided to keep myself open for when I wanted to meditate, and not force anymore. That I would trust I knew intuitively when I needed to do it, so I never had to feel resentful of it. I thought it might drop off for awhile (maybe a long time) before it felt more comfortable. To my surprise, I do do it for short bits, everyday. Not so long, but it feels more comfortable. It does require being more carefully disciplined in a way. It's easier to follow a schedule, and do it everyday at a set time. It's more difficult to stay aware and open to when I need it, and then actually do it then. But it feels more right, and since I get the desire to do it every so often, I know I can trust this. I just have to stay vigilant. I don't want to force anything ever again, if I can avoid it.