wandering, philosophical thoughts

I requested crayons for my birthday today. I was doodling around the edges of my notes today and drawing spirals and flowers and trees. I haven't done much of it since I was ten so my skills are the same, or honestly, far worse. I wished my notes were colored and bright, and that all my bland schoolwork would go away and be replaced by concrete things. The problem is not school, but the replacement of concrete activities with abstract concepts. How are we supposed to be happy theorizing when we are built to be doing? No one's body is meant to sit in a chair or hold a pen. I wish I were raised in a way that would allow me to feel free to just be and do instead of think abstractly, detached from a direct connection to anything. The less I deny this desire, the better I feel. We all want to feel connected to everything. That is the definition of love, that there is no separation, so everything kind I do for you, I also do for myself.

I have let myself talk about others lately... mild gossip. I have to stop this, now. People often bond over gossip, but at what price? If I picture myself being talked about, then I see clearly how nasty a thing it is to do.