Since my classmate's death, I am feeling more and more uncomfortable with the atmosphere here. I'd rather distance myself from it than ignore what I feel is dysfunctional (I don't feel that speaking about it with more than one person at a time helps). The suicide is being kept quiet--no one outside the department was told, including departments that are in the same building. We were encouraged to take our time and grieve, yet none of our obligations have been changed. How do I give myself time when I have the same deadlines that I did before? Mental health is encouraged in word and not deed. They also refused to discuss that the institutional culture could be a part of it. Of course one has to be mentally ill to commit suicide, but the community is not friendly to being open and sharing such problems, making us culpable to that extent. Workoholism is rewarded at any cost, and the standard way of relaxing is drinking alcohol at events. Work, work, work, then shove the feelings down with drugs.

What was really disturbing was right after his death, when people were sharing thoughts. Many people expressed the belief that our department is one of the most supportive departments there are--not all are like that. If I really thought that were true, that that was the height of human support possible, I probably would be suicidal, too. I don't say that lightly. Apparently taking a tiny bit of time to talk about someone, having good turnout at a memorial, and arranging meals for someone in hard times is the extent of it. Wow. Just from my last workplace, I can say there's a lot more that can be done--telling someone to go home and not worry about work for a moment, no pretending things are better than they are, crying and hugging in public, are things off the top of my head. The way it is, is so cold.

I feel much better admitting all this. My trouble is being honest about this without coming across as hostile. Right now the best way to do that, seems to be avoiding the silly fake department grieving events. Phoniness is really my least favorite thing.

I just realized also--the happiest, cheeriest person in the department is the custodian. Coincidence? He has the least stressful job, that allows him finish early in the day and lead an actual life.