playing in the rain

It's all just names of weeds. Common chickweed (Stellaria media) is in the pink family, also known as Caryophyllaceae. I need to know all these names, so they're on the brain. I love seeing plants on the side of the road and being familiar with them-- it makes the whole world feel more friendly.

Meditation feels like a few steps forward, a few steps back. Patterns are hard to break. It's been a year now, since I committed, and mostly things are the same. But today I felt a gap for the first time--a real gap, several times. It was very short, because it would get interrupted by ridiculous, self-congratulatory thoughts. But it was nice. Everything happens in those gaps. Everything else is just stories, in the head. I listen to the stories, because ignoring them makes them worse. But I don't believe them anymore. So when I try to figure out which voice is which (which is my inner voice? which is my fear? etc.), it's not a problem. I don't believe any of it; only direct, unmediated experience exists. There are still lots and lots of thoughts, but I don't feel like it is me thinking them anymore. They're just everywhere.

My sister is here. It was raining, and I said it was too bad, because I don't like walking in the rain. She said, "Oh, I like the rain." Hmmm... who says I don't like the rain? My thoughts come so fast, they overlap: It's too cold, I don't like it because I get cold and wet and uncomfortable. I hate being cold, so much. [I'm constantly unhappy because there's a problem with everything, so I don't like anything, so I never have any fun and I wonder why]. I don't believe my thoughts so much anymore--so I said to my sister, "Let's go!"

We ran outside into the pouring rain. It was warm and felt so good. We ran around for at least ten minutes, splashing in puddles, running down the "river" in the street, going up some stairs on the hill to try and see the city (all clouds!). Any thought that doesn't feel good isn't of any use to me. Even if I can't always realize that now, it is ultimately true in the end.

My sister is so much smarter than me. I'm glad I listened to her.