I wasn't looking forward to classes starting, but things have gone very well. I feel more alert, active in my own existence. I'm attempting to understand concepts and complete assignments right away, instead of delaying it. My sensory experience has always been blurred, I'm learning. In class, I don't listen, don't listen, don't listen. I read the notes and book when I feel like it and suddenly-aha!- I understand, in my own way, in my own time.

Why am I so afraid of perceiving things directly? Why can't I understand things as they are being said? I create a layer, which I replay for myself, and then I understand. What a stressful way of doing things--it requires ignoring what is front of me, and putting off comprehension (procrastination), in a matter of seconds. Even if I understand instantly upon replay to myself (and I often do, in my own way; this is the only reason I can pull off doing this), it is so detaching. And I am just beginning to realize, probably draining. Getting myself to experience things as they occur is so hard, I am resisting so much. But cracks in the pattern are beginning to form. I can see some light starting to shine through.

It started to become clear (in the smallest way), when I first heard the yogic idea of samskaras, mental and emotional patterns etched into our brains and bodies. Neuroscience backs this idea up to some degree, and new research on the plasticity of the brain goes along with idea that these can be broken down. The patterns are hard-etched, but can be changed. There are many ways to do it, but yoga is what instantly appealed to me. I wish I had known about the entire multi-facted practice when I was younger--it would have appealed to my 14 year old self and saved me a lot of lost time. But, oh well. You can never know "what might have been".

I'm reading The Wisdom of Yoga, which goes over the eight limbs of yoga with personal experiences (I believe I mentioned this earlier), and the stories speak to the truth of how yoga can overcome this conditioning. The part I'm reading right now speaks to how mild restraint is necessary for getting past the samskaras. Not huge restraint; willpower alone cannot overcome these patterns. But making small choices to reverse harmful habits always pays off. Restraint rewards.

One intriguing example is of a woman who had lived her life in a fairytale. She was pretty and talented, and imagined away anything that didn't fit with this picture-perfect life. When things began to fall apart, she started practicing yoga (not just asana/poses). She began to see how she lied, constantly. She couldn't help it. Small lies were the hardest, especially gossip (truthful speach that is unnecessary/harmful is not "right speach"). So she began working with someone once a week, tracing the samskaras/patterns back to their origins. She committed to the idea of silence--speaking only when absolutely necessary (giving money to a banker or something). It was horrible at first, because it revealed her thoughts. But then, the Witness began to come out; she saw the fruits of restraint. She extended her commitment to more fully experience it. It marked a true shift for her.

Things don't change so fast for me. But the same stubbornness that refuses to let go and continues to resist, is what I'm applying to my sadhana, my yogic practice. The same thing that causes any suffering I experience in life, now properly applied, is starting to do me some good :) I know deep inside I must continue, and that everything will be shed in due time. Over a year after starting meditation, I finally feel a shift starting to occur, lightening my load a little. I'm a tough nut to crack, but it's happening.