The edge.

I finally solidified by travel plans for home and I'm very happy because it is two whole weeks! I couldn't stand another four day trip, where I hardly got to see any friends and had to get up at 8 am to write. This body is not meant to run like that. That, on top of the "why don't you get a PhD" comments was pretty insane. Thank god I don't think I have to keep postponing my life for... I don't know what. Enough of that!
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I've been thinking a lot about the idea of being pushed beyond one's edge. There are a lot of things that can happen when we go beyond what we thought we could do. If you go a day without food, nothing happens. You lose a couple pounds in food weight and glycogen stores and it all goes back when you eat again. If you get chased, you can run a lot farther than you thought you could. If you have a baby, you survive on few hours of sleep for a long time. So we can do all these things, if we push past our psychological barriers. Is that a good thing?

Generally I value the concept of the yoga "edge", where you go as far as you can, differentiating between physical and psychological barriers. Go past a psychological barrier, have a breakthrough (even if it's just a mm). That's the "good" pain. Go past a physical barrier, damage yourself needlessly. That's the "bad" pain that comes from not listening to oneself.

The barrier between these two categories can blur. If I'm very, very tight, my muscles will be tighter than usual. It is psychological, but if I try and push myself to where I normally go, I will hurt myself. The muscles are too tight and ignoring that doesn't change it.

I thought (hoped is more accurate) I would learn a lot from being pushed past my edge in grad school. No, no, no. Nothing is learned from going past your edge but to listen to yourself. This body and mind of mine need lots of rest of breaks that should be respected if it wants to work well. Otherwise it just gets crazy and unhappy. Other people can go farther than me, but it has no bearing on me and what I can do. Conversely, at my old job I was bored out of my mind. It wasn't enough. But I exercised a lot, which felt great, and balanced it with sleep and rest and regular meals. So, I respect the edge and go to it but not beyond.