Bahhh. Now is the transition from classes to fieldwork. I have to work on my thesis as well as apply for jobs. I am very glad to be done with classes forever though. Now I can study things I actually want to study.

Applying for jobs is a lot of work though. I want something interesting, more than anything. We shall see.

I have a new side interest: reading blogs of people doing the "paleo" diet. It's so funny, because they're so similar to the raw vegans, though what they allow is much different: meat, meat, some veg, berries, some starch, cooked is generally okay. As far as doing what they think is natural, and searching for the perfect diet, they are nearly the same. I feel like an anthropologist, wading through the claims of perfect health and all-problems-vanishing. It's true that we can control more than we sometimes think--but far more often, we have no control over things that happen.

In the meantime, I am thinking that a great sandwich would consist of: 80% chocolate squares with a nut butter inside. Not perfect anything, but delicious and not too sweet. Mmmm....

Herbal teas!

Today is a beautiful day! I'm finishing up classes, getting ready for the summer and looking over my resume. In the background, the sky is so blue and it's warm enough to wear dresses.

I've been experimenting with herbal teas a lot lately, going by my gut feeling. I imagine what each will feel like, once taken into my body. I've been spending a lot of time by the bulk herb and spice jars at the coop! I'm also gathering edible weeds again, and juicing them with lemons. It doesn't always taste that great, but I know it's good for me.

Some of the teas:
-hibiscus--high in vitamin C, it makes up "te de jamaica" in Spanish (not sure which countries). I add this because it tastes good. Adds a red hue. I wonder if this is the major ingredient in that "Red Zinger" tea (Celestial Seasonings).
-nettle--recommended for allergies. It can often be gathered, just watch out for the stinging! It was pretty cheap in bulk, so I just bought that.
-pau d'arco--supposed to be good for lots of different things. Just tastes like bark or something. It's very mildly bitter, so not hard to take.
-licorice (the real stuff)--sweet, supposed to help with digestion at times
-mint--I sometimes add for the flavor
-echinacea--I *love* the flavor of the Traditional Medicinals echinacea teas. However, the bulk tea isn't the same as their particular mix, so it doesn't taste the same. It doesn't taste like much at all. I should figure out what else is in it, that I like so much, if it can be pinned down to one herb. Maybe it is that mix, though.
-Yerba mate. The bitterness feels right for me at this time, and it gives a gentle morning boost.

Other ones I would like to try:
-lemongrass (yummy)
-cat's claw (had this in Peru, supposed to be good for almost everything, harder to find here)
-there was a bulk decaffeinated mango green tea in bulk at Greenstar. It smelled sooooo good!~

Beautiful summary day today! I went to the farmer's market and a compost fair--I am in love with the idea of a composting toilet (recycling nutrients!). They do NOT smell, but you have to manage it like any compost pile.

I also went shopping in the bulk herbs and spices section. I must have spent 20 minutes, looking around, trying to listen to my gut: "How will I feel if I ingest this?" In the end, I left with not as much as I wanted (but I have ideas for the future!): onion granules (more for flavor than medicinal purposes), hibiscus (for tea), nettle (for tea--helps with allergies), and ginger (for medicinal purposes). I've been making loose teas with my mini-French press, originally for coffee (got it for my bday). It works great.

Have also been mixing coconut flour with water or almond milk, cinnamon, and a little stevia powder. Coconut flour is expensive but I love it so much!

It's spring again today! Flowers spray the air with their sent and the sun dances in the sky. 1.5 weeks of classes left, then finals. I'm learning about fruit trees in one of my classes right now. It's a pretty reductionist class, but I still like hearing about fruit.

My new favorite flour is coconut flour! It is naturally a bit sweet and delicious, and makes great cookies. Would make a nice grain-less cake, too. Use some good quality coconut oil to stick it all together..mmmm.... I added cinnamon, too.

It's a rainy, chilly day. I'm going to have to take a hot bath :)

reading reading

I'm looking for new books to investigate through Amazon. The reviews that are 4 or 3 stars are usually the best--they will honestly point out flaws without being married to ideology, like many (not all!) of the 1 or 5 star reviews. I'm going through the Paleo books--like raw vegan but with meat instead of so much fruit and veggies, and some of them do cook. So interesting how similar they are; now I can clearly see why people distrust all ideologies. People just take what fits and ignore what doesn't. (note: many of them tried a strict vegan or raw vegan diet. So there are more similarities than not).

Partly it's fascinating to me because it's so different from what I like--instinctively, I think it's better to avoid eating animals, but the Paleo meals sounds so disgusting to me! I really never liked animal fat, and it wasn't because my parents discouraged it at all (they didn't). It's so interesting that some people have completely different preferences from me. It's a little easier to stomach reading about than the typical SAD food eater, because at least the Paleo people are minorly concerned about animal welfare. Anyway, I do like raw vegan food (just not the restrictiveness) and I am not going "Paleo" at all, but I like to read about experiences totally different from my own. (FYI--my favorite kind of meat, right before going vegetarian, was dry, white chicken. It seemed more like paper than an animal. This is not what the Paleo eater recommend eating. They are 180 from me).

Who can be so strict forever? I like hanging out with vegan-friendly people (vegan-friendly enough to share a vegan meal with me, but do whatever they feel is right for them), and leaving it at that. Whatever else they do, as long as they are nice enough and trying their best, is fine. I want to keep mellowing out as I age ;)

The sun sets late now--closer and closer to 8 pm.

My lab partner just told me she is leaving this school at the end of the semester. She went straight from undergrad to grad school, and will have only finished her first year. I really like her, she's down to earth and came from an environmental science background. She doesn't get along well with her adviser and finds school very stressful. It was funny how easily I could tell she'd made the right decision--her energy just seemed so much brighter, and lighter. She won't have a degree, but at least she doesn't have debt from this, either, so she'll be fine.

Then, a couple of MS-PhDs told me they are considering stopping after their MS. I can't blame them! It's so funny. I am very at peace with where I am, but I have just eight months left. Exciting!

I also learned about a new, more sustainable fertilization method-- human urine (a *sterile* product). It's a rich source of N and P in it, which are often limiting. This is often done in Asia, but the stigma here leads us to being more wasteful. We take the nutrients out of the soil, and flush them down the drain, where the concentrated nutrients make trouble elsewhere. Some are investigating a method of precipitating the essential part of urine into a solid form. This might help with the stigma, and make it easier (lighter than liquid) to transport. Very cool, once we examine and question our assumptions! Humanure is cool too, but more issues with pathogens. Humanure also helps close the loop!

It's a beautiful sunny day, and sunset's not until 7:30 pm. It's so exciting. Four weeks of class are left~~~change in the air!

Keep walking

Though there's no place to get to.

Don't try to see through the distances.

That's not for human beings.

Move within

but don't move

The way that fear makes you move.

Rumi

good times....

More often than being honked at by drivers in Ithaca, I am given a helpful tip--like once, something fell out of my bag, and today, I had a string dangling down by my wheel. People are so much nicer in a small town!

There have been some days in the 70s and 80s lately. Today was warm but gray, lovely enough.

There is going to be an event with community gardeners from NYC speaking here, that I am a part of. Exciting stuff!

vegas, part 3--casino

It's gotten up to 89 today, and the farmer's market starts tomorrow! It was freezing yesterday, but I am so excited by this sun!

OK--Vegas. I did stop by some casinos. I didn't gamble, just observed. At the Luxor, there was a girl dancing. I suppose she was technically an adult, but she looked younger than my 21-yr old sister! That was pretty sad. They are real humans up there, but it feels like people forget that. There were also flashing lights, lots of sounds (music and whirring noises from machines). I guess that's it--if you've seen one, you've seen em all.

I did manage to sneak into a spa for $10--the price for guests. I was supposed to pay $30, but they thought I was a guest because my friend was. Free fruit, water, juice, sauna, hot tub, steam room, bathroom and slippers--it was amazing! The massage was $75 for 25 minutes, so I declined--I would have done it for 60 minutes at that price, though.

All in all, a great experience. Camping better than casinos, though :)

vegas, part 2--field trips and death valley

We had two days of horticultural field trips, one after another, starting bright and early. The first day, we toured some overpriced suites ($40,000/day--amazing!) and learned about the crazy practices at 5-star hotels at the Bellagio. They have many plants that can't live in Vegas, so everyday they throw them out and replace them. Amazing. We also went to a completely unsustainable golf course, one that costs $500 for a game. It looked like summer in MN: dark green turf, lakes, ducks. Not desert.

Then we went to a less-ridiculous golf course--the areas where you would hit the ball were turf, but the rest (more than half) was desert landscaping, to save on water costs. It was a much cheaper golf course.

The next day, we learned about vegetables and grapes (for wine). They can compost and build raised beds for veggies, but they must irrigate the plants directly. Otherwise nothing will grow. There are more and less efficient ways of doing this. I got to try fresh asparagus out of the ground, yum!

Last we went to a vineyard. I did a wine tasting (my first ever, despite being by the Finger Lakes!) and then since we were only an hour away from Death Valley, my camping buddies and I decided to head out there!

Death Valley was amazing--amazing landscape, salt, land formations. Highly recommended. You can go hiking, but we had limited time.

TBC....

another vegas story

I have to keep writing about Vegas... but I'm momentarily blank. One story: I stopped at a gas station, where a perfectly nice attendant saw my passport (since I had lost my other ID). We chatted casually and he said, "You know, if Obama has his way with the immigration bill, we'll all have to have these when we go between states.
"Obama is a COMMUNIST. The Republicans tried to warn us...and I voted for him anyway. And now I see they're right."

"Hmmm..." I replied "You know, a lot of people say things about his bills that aren't exactly true."

"No, I read it myself. I read the whole thing."

I thanked him and ran out of there.

What was he talking about? There is no immigration bill right now and there's no way that's true. I will criticize Obama plenty (for being too similar to past presidents), but there is no way he has interest in any of those things the man claimed. It was nuts, but I am told this is typical for Nevada. Hmmm....

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I had a great realization yesterday. R feels the same. Now that we know our time is limited, we love Ithaca! We love how we can walk everywhere, from the bar to a friend's house to home. Almost everyone is nice. It is beautiful. I have a nice routine where I go to the coops regularly. There are lots of concerned people trying to improve things (not so many, but compared to most places). I guess it takes a very long time to become comfortable in a new place.

Vegas--part 1

Great trip to Las Vegas area. I'm waiting to get photos from friends.

Two friends and I camped in Red Red Canyon, which was gorgeous. Sadly, it was not hot, but the landscape was amazing. It was dry (of course, the desert!), windy, with beautiful land formations. One friend is a fan of natural history and was able to explain the origin of the area. We were also able to stay away from the hustle and bustle of the Vegas strip. We spent some time there, enough to know what it was all about, but I didn't gamble or drink there at all. We did go to the spa with our friends who were staying at the hotel--they assumed we were too, so we got spa access for only $10: use of bathrobe and slippers, sauna, hot tub, showers, free juices/waters and fruit.

spring...

Ithaca is so nice now that I know my time is limited. It always was, but now I'm really enjoying it all. The beautiful sunsets, the gorges, the greenery, the blossoms, all the gardens in people's yards.

Weds I go to Nevada! We arrive late, so we're staying in a hostel the first night, but the next three nights will be spent camping in a nearby state park! I wish it were warmer (it will get down to the 50s at night), but it will be fun. The best thing about going to the Tree of Life was seeing the mountainous desert, so I'm excited to see a new kind of desert (flat? non-mountainous?).

A lady (teacher) is blogging about the school lunch at her school here. Ahhh, brings me back to the days of picking at my lunch and throwing it away, coming back to class hungrier than I started, and getting a nice huge snack as soon as I came home. Obviously I am spoiled, to have experienced self-imposed hunger. But really... the lunches are no good.

I'm watching the movie Yoga, Inc (free on Hulu.com). There is this part of me that wants to know how to be snobby about yoga--I am doing it for the right reasons, and everyone else is stupid and materialistic. So instead, I'm becoming spiritually materialistic, eh? Or maybe it's just interesting and it makes sense that it would get popular in that way in this country. It loses a lot when it becomes a fitness routine, but then people who are interested can pursue more. So maybe this is just how it goes. It's interesting enough.

This makes me not interested in Bikram yoga, though. I would do the practice (sounds too hot for me though), but I'm not a fan of copyrighting poses and all that.

I'm officially sick. Not horribly so, but sneezing and coughing and all that jazz. But today is sunny again, and hopefully warmer. The greyness in Ithaca just weighs so heavily...

Despite the sickness, I'm doing spring cleaning. Getting rid of all the junk in the house. I've been a spice pack rat in the kitchen and a clothing pack rat in the bedroom.

Mmm, I am eating my red bell peppers that I froze last fall. I keep avoiding them, thinking they will be soggy, but they are actually really good once defrosted. It's nice to know exactly where they came from, and how they were grown. We put them on pizza a few nights ago (half Daiya vegan cheese, half nothing) and it was surprisingly good.

Mmmm, I took the Fantastic Foods whole grain veggies burger mix and added spinach... too salty but sooo good. A great brunch to be having right now.

It's gray again but the trees are budding and flowers are popping up from bulbs in the ground. Spring is coming! Next weekend I go to NYC and the weekend after that, Vegas. So, time for spring cleaning. I'm going to go through all my clothing and books and papers, and decide what I want.

A fellow MS student had his defense today. I saw his presentation that proceeded the defense; it was on cover crops. At the party afterwards (yes, he passed!), I thought about how nice it is in some ways to be in an academic environment. We're taught to think clearly, to understand really complex things and be able to answer questions about our methods in a straightforward manner. We have the same jargon, even if we come from different biological disciplines (NA=nucleic acid, AA=amino acid, etc). But, I guess I still kind of don't see the point in the end. It doesn't solve political, spiritual or environmental problems, only technical ones. Science can be interesting, and teach some things, but I don't think it helps make people happy in the long run. Interacting with our environment rather than studying it, and accepting things instead of fighting them, would do so much more. So, pros and cons, but what is, is for the moment.

So I am reading about samskaras. One description of the cycle is this:
Samskaras (subtle impressions) form part and parcel of the cycle of Karma. The cycle of Karma is this: Action (karma) --> Impression (samskara) --> Tendency (vasana) --> Thought Pattern (vritti) --> Action (karma).

So we cycle round and round. The different forms of yoga are supposed to act on various levels. With karma yoga, you work on the level of action---helping yourself by helping others. Meditation and poses work to clear out the internally-ingrained patterns. I am going to keep reading about this. I see my patterns spin round and round, repeating over and over again. They have to play out but you can change what happens after.

More things from the man that works with indigenous medicine yesterday--

--He has been working to inform nurses about the various indigenous systems of medicine, so that people can get the best of both worlds (complementary medicine). I think that is good because as suspicious I am of conventional medicine, it does certain things really well: mainly acute situations, also disease prevention with vaccines and correcting single-nutrient deficiencies (I suppose that can be an acute issue, depending).
--My friend asked him what to do about stress, and he went over a number of things. He said meditation is very good and cleansing, but stress drains energy and meditation won't give the energy we need. A few things he mentioned: eating good food (he said to try avoiding meat for three months, and avoid junk--just real basic advice, nothing too strict), exercising hard daily so the body feels that it is alive, certain plant medicines, etc.
--Every action causes a reaction.
--Other things: this reality is just one of many, to think this is all there is is a delusion, ritual is important, talk to plants and thank them and if you have a question you should ask and listen for the answer.
--He told a story about a traditional healing woman he was learning from. He asked her if wormwood would work for some horrible parasitic worms many children in the village had. She said, ask the plant. He thought she was crazy, but for three months, he went to the plant everyday and asked it. No answer. He gave it to the children anyway. Their illness (potentially fatal) were cured. He went to the woman and complained that the plant hadn't said anything. She said, you fool, what happened? The children got better. The plant spoke through the children. Don't ignore that.
--He got a PhD and went to Uganda. His degree was worth nothing there and he knew nothing. He went to Peru, it meant even less. in Mexico (his home), it was even more true.
--Remember the people always, and their traditions, and make sure your work has relevance to that. It was amazing to hear such things at Cornell, in the art of academia.

I actually went running that day, pushing myself, because of what he said. I have been exercising, but nothing very hard, and moderate exercise doesn't have the same psychological effect that hard exercise does.
---------------------------------


Spring is really here and we have had a few days of sun! I feel light inside like I haven't for a long time. Additionally, one of my classes "Nutrient Fertility in Agro-ecosystems", is the best I've had. It puts everything I've learned together and the teacher is focused more on teaching/learning/understanding than grades. He's also getting to be somewhat of a bigwig. He works with biochar, which helps increase the capacity of old, weathered soils (such as found in the Global South) to hold onto nutrients and sequester carbon for climate change mitigation.
----------------

I'm going to Las Vegas in a couple weeks with some other grad students. I'm really lucky because one of the others going is very cheap, and another is not into glitz and glamour--so the three of us will be camping out in the desert for all three nights! I'm really excited. I'm bad at camping, my back gets sore and I won't sleep well (I fully admit that civilization has made me soft). But I much prefer the beauty of the Vegas desert to the excesses of that city. It will be great.

I've been watching my patterns a lot. I feel a lot better since I decided to stop fighting them. "Resistance to resistance is still resistance". I've been reading about samskaras...embedded impressions. I was going to write about that.

But something more interesting happened today. There was a speaker from Mexico that is an academic but works with indigenous medicine. He is working to integrate native healing methods (plant knowledge) with standard scientific medicine. He was amazing.

He talked about how there are many realities, and this is only one dimension--don't get too caught up in it. The school system is problematic in many ways--you consume book after book, and become full of books. But what does that get you, as far as truth? The book isn't reality, it's the author's imagination. Three months after he got his PhD, he went to Uganda, and his knowledge was worthless. He went to Peru, the same. He went to Mexico, even more so. It is not reality.

He gave examples of all the different diseases they were able to heal with plants. He talked about how the whole body is sick, not just one part, because it is all connected. The finger is not sick. If the finger is sick, the whole body is sick. For so many diseases, there is no pathogen. The top diseases are cancer, heart attack, depression, lupus, etc--and what is sick? The person is sick. There is no pathogen.

One professor asked him if he had considered the placebo effect. He said that of course they considered it, that was the point. The act of having another person heal you is in itself a great thing (connecting with another human, having that caring), and since so many diseases are from sickness of self, that anything that is heals psychologically IS important. All is integrated.

I am going to watch a movie he was in, about indigenous medicines. He noted that there are great similarities between the medicinal systems of Mexico (there are many, since there were many peoples there before) and other systems throughout the world: Tibetan, Chinese, etc.

Spring is here (sunny and 45), and the melting snow is feeding into the streams and gorges. Spring and summer are the best times to be in Ithaca... actually, the fall is great, too, because of all the tree leaves in the valley. It's good to know I won't have another winter here--just the beginning.

I'm starting to think about jobs but still have little idea of what the possibilities will be. We shall see...

From Post Secret.

I'm realizing how few consequences there are in the day-to-day life of an American. That's why it's so hard not to be wasteful. I broke my iPod charger for the second time. Why? I was lazy and didn't take good care of it, again, so it doesn't work. So what, I thought. I bought a new one for cheap online. It was needlessly wasteful, but there were no consequences in the short-term, none that I could see at all. In that sense, it would be useful for people to have some idea of karma. When you think about everything affected by your actions, it makes you more likely to choose the right action in a circumstance.

word choice

Half of everything at this school has the word "sustainability" attached. It's a buzzword that will get you grants and make it look like you are being environmentally conscious, whether or not you are. It's gotten to the point where the word doesn't get past the filters in my brain. Instead of scanning for key words in event summaries, I'm always looking to see if there will be actual substance or not. Too bad people are afraid to talk about interconnectedness, environmentalism and the like.

Interestingly enough, factory farms love co-opting this language, as well. In the same way they claim that no one cares about cows/chickens more than them, no one cares about the earth more than these giant farms. The funny thing is, they actually have a point. Their argument is that factory farms (though they detest the term) are far better because they requires less land for more animals. This is absolutely true. With so many people demanding meat on a daily basis (often multiple times), free range meat will not go far, and would have to expand on to far more land. Of course, it's still cruel and uses far more resources than a plant-based diet. But their use of the word is technically correct, in their context.

I've been thinking about aging lately. I would like to be in my 50s and 60s and stay there forever. It sounds like such a nice age. You're sort of old, but not really old. No pregnancy worries, you're done raising your kids. You have the freedom of the 20s but much more wisdom. The body is not what it used to be, but that's a great way to practice grace and acceptance.

The last week of March (somehow it is March already) I am going to Vegas with my school trip. So lots of work to get done by then. I'll have a committee meeting.

snow day!

It's snowed about a foot and they canceled morning classes at Cornell. Many other workshops/classes in town were canceled too. So I would have to say, no, it doesn't snow much in Ithaca if they are canceling classes because of snow.

As the study I'm in, I'll be getting a fat biopsy on my hip and taking an oral glucose tolerance test. I know about this from my nutrition days--you come in fasted (12 hours--not a big deal if done in the morning) and drink 100 g (400 calories worth) of a glucose solution. Then your blood glucose gets monitored for two hours afterwards, so see how sensitive you are. In this case, sensitivity is a good thing--it means you are responsive to glucose hormonally, so your body deals with it properly. Insensitivity can mean you are headed towards type II diabetes or PCOS. I really don't want to do it (I can't stand sugary drinks), but I'm really curious to see the results. They normally wouldn't give this to a woman my age unless she was pregnant (gestational diabetes is usually screened for).

I went to yoga yesterday, Forrest yoga, and there was a lot of belly work. I realize my core strength needs to be built back up. At the same time, I noticed my belly was soft, and I liked that. It's comforting. I read a book about yoga abs once. It said core strength is important for supporting your body, but the stomach should not be tight like we are used to seeing as the ideal. Tight stomach means tightly-held emotions. it should be soft and relaxed, and as long as it is strong, it doesn't matter how much fat is on the belly. It should truly be worked from the inside, giving time for emotions to come out as they will.

Being in school is like putting your life on hold. I think that's often the appeal--you feel like whatever you're doing is for the future, and if you don't like it, it's fine because it's not really what you're doing. It's fantasy-based. And at my school, it's so inaccessible to people with diverse backgrounds and situations, that it's even more of a bubble. I suppose at some point, I'll find this experience to be interesting, or useful or something. For now, it's just a strangely insulated place where I am learning some things and don't really feel comfortable.

When I went to NYC this past weekend, it was very obvious why I feel so uncomfortable here. The town is okay, but the school is very conservative and most people fit a specific mold. Hanging out with friends in NYC, I fit in perfectly, in my own way. People thought I was interesting however I was. I didn't have to stretch to find ways to connect.

Luckily, there are some good people here I'd like to see when I go. But I will probably invite them to come to my place, rather than come back here :)

I had a quick 24 hr trip (or even less!) in NYC and it was great. Ithaca is cute but isolating. That's why I have no interest in a country farm. The sweat, the grunt work, the dirt is all good, but being in the middle of nowhere is so lonely. Of course one can be in a city and feel perfectly alone, and some people feel more together by themselves in the country, but I prefer to at least have people nearby as an option.

Mostly, we walked a lot. We walked to the Brooklyn Bridge and across, we walked to Blossom Cafe, we went to a party in Williamsburg. It was a nice break from the grey of Ithaca.

I got an email today that was selling a variety of things, including "raw water". They warned it can be expensive due to shipping costs, but you can order up to a year's worth at a time, if you would like. Too typical for the raw movement. Compare that to instructions to build your own purification and gray water system. One preys on people's health fears for profit (though I don't doubt that the seller believes it as well), the other links our health to everyone else and encourages conservation. I really think that if whatever you're promoting isn't linked to everything else in a very careful, mindful way, you're going to become as commercial as anything else.

I have a test this evening and a meeting with my adviser tomorrow morning, so I'll have to finish writing tomorrow.

I'm in a study on ovary function, and one benefit of being in the study is that I get some information about myself. I got a DEXA scan yesterday, which is not normally done on a young person at all (very pricey), but gives very accurate information on bone density and body fat and lean body mass percentage. The funny thing about the results were, thy were exactly what I expected.

My body density is low--meaning, I should do things to increase it (consistent Ca and vit D supplementation and weight-bearing exercise) or I will most likely get osteoporosis (I have to say I never really believed the claims that a healthy diet is good enough--you can eat healthy, but if you are deficient in something, you will have issues). My body fat was not amazing but good (25.8%), considering that I have been too stressed to take optimal care of myself I am pretty pleased. My arms have the highest body fat percentage (30%) and apparently it's common (not healthy but common) for women to have parts over 50% fat. It was very interesting. I will also have a test of glucose tolerance soon, which I hope will be good. But this confirms for me (getting results I expected) that our bodies tell us what we need to know if we listen, combined with some common sense.

stream-of-consciousness post

I promised to write today, but I'm a bit short on ideas of what to write about. I've been going to classes, drawing pictures with crayons (for the kid in me!), walking around, got a new Kundalini yoga DVD I have yet to try, ordered chocolates from Bluestocking Bonbons (she makes fair-trade vegan chocolates that are very good, in the Hudson Valley), and exchanged Valentine's Day gifts. We kept it very simple--I bought him organic cotton socks (expensive but cotton uses so many pesticides, it's upsetting), and he bought me a mini-French dictionary. I've been listening to this French lady named Diam's, she sings/raps about a lot of clever things, and I really admire that. She got a lot of flack in France because she covers her hair (she is Muslim), she said "Modern medicine was not able to heal my soul, so I turned to religion." That is the quick run-down on my thoughts for the moment!

OK, I will start doing better on updating this. Things are going well and I'm thinking about a lot of different things... but right now is not the time. Tomorrow!

One good thing is that I am getting motivated again to study languages--I'm not feeling so overwhelmed anymore, so I can think about non-school things I enjoy. Small things so far--my Gmail is in Spanish, my facebook is in French, and my sister is sending me short emails in French. Lots of guessing from context! This is indicative of my mood though-much less depressed, much more inspired. I'm so glad.

I went to a seminar today by two young farmers starting a permaculture farm. They sell their greens to the local coop, which are heated with a passive solar system. They are off the grid and live in a yurt. The set up is a complex, with perennial polycultures. She said the market was no problem--one crop is asparagus, which is hard to find organic. They'll have their pick of buyers. It was really gratifying to see people really executing their values.

The end of a long week! My mind was very unfocused, which was a problem with the grant report I had due. I couldn't force it (forcing is the problem!), so it was a tricky balance. But I managed to get done what I had to. The balance is always the tricky thing--balance what we have to do (because of the external) with what we need (internally). How do we live in an unnatural world, following ourselves without disengaging from it all? So my day-to-day problems mirror a greater theme overall.

One small thing made me very happy. There is a young staff person that works for my school (probably in her mid-20s) who has started a permaculture farm. She and her partner live in a yurt on this land. I don't know her well but instantly respected her. So, now, they are selling their greens to the coop. The greens grow in a high tunnel, where they get passive solar energy (no other energy inputs!). The greens have been a huge success, they are always selling out, and she is going to quit her job next year. Isn't that great? She's going to talk at our seminar series next week. Usually I skip the seminar, because it's so boring. But reading her quotes in the coop paper, I remembered why I got interested in agriculture in the first place--respect for nature. It's so nice to get real examples of people doing great things.

I would get lonely working on a farm like that. But I can support such people. I bought her spinach today--it is always selling out!

classes

I feel like everything is coming together with this last semester of classes. I'm taking classes because I need to know the info, and my soil fertility class really ties everything together. Everything comes from the soil and soil management affects everything. Unmanaged, it tends to do best... but since humans are going to manage it, it's best to manage it consciously and intelligently.

I used to think I was very different from me as a child. But earlier today I was sitting on the floor, coloring with crayons, and it was hard to say that there is much difference. I am still someone who likes to sit by myself and draw, who reaches for a book when the world is overwhelming, who thinks strange things are usually funny, who wants to do whatever she wants without being ordered around. I used to want to get away from who I was, thinking I had to be better or something, so it's nice to just be this way without worrying about it.

reactions

I am seeing more and more how everything people do is just reactions to what is happening, based on past conditioning. It is so hard to escape. I think it can only be done little by little, with gradual better and better choices as life goes on. Yogic practices are supposed to be a means for overcoming the conditioning as well, but I still think it can't be done in an instant. People like Eckhart Tolle might claim otherwise... but he was a special case. The story goes (and I actually am inclined to believe it) that he was very depressed, suffering and then the thought "I can stand myself anymore" triggered the thought, "who is the 'I' that I can't stand?", and--wham!-- he achieved realization. But like a monkey might accidentally pain the Mona Lisa, it doesn't mean that act is easily reproducible. Anyone who makes a sudden, drastic change is usually not able to maintain it--even worse, you have an illusion of quickly getting past your issues, and won't be prepared if (when) life knocks you down and you revert back to the same old things.

Seeing these patterns is supposed to help one overcome them. I am not sure. I feel like I see myself repeat the same things over and over, and am unable to act differently. If I act far differently than I am naturally inclined to, I feel like a rubber band that is being stretched... eventually I will snap back. I can only do my best at the time, gradually pushing myself forward, bit by bit.
I still feel positive about the future. There is a part of me inside that knows everything will be alright. But I can't put a time limit on it.

In completely less serious news, I am really enjoying this vegan parmesan cheese I bought. It's not the one made from nutritional yeast and walnuts (though that is good, and I should probably just make that myself, since it's pricey), it's made from processed soy and doesn't have many redeeming health qualities. But I'm eating it on air-popped popcorn and pasta and it's really, really good (if one likes this sort of thing).

Also, my adviser had "car trouble" Friday (after days of repeated travel, so I don't blame her) and still hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up. I should be catching up on things, but am being absolutely horrible and doing the minimum amount of work possible. Bad Sara! Get to work! :)

I have an opportunity to apply for grant money from my school to use right after I graduate and it's actually kind of stressful. I don't know what I'll want to do or where I'll want to go a year from now, and I'm not sure how it will interfere with finding a job. Plus, I have two weeks to decide what to do and writing a grant proposal is a big pain. I'll have to start out by speaking with my adviser about it and see what she recommends. Sometimes opportunities are a bigger pain than not--if it didn't exist, I wouldn't feel this pressure.
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It's funny how much color affects my mood. It is often drab here in the winter, with grey ground and grey skies. I put on a green long-sleeved shirt today, and looking in the mirror, I looked like a tree. My tangled brown hair going down my shoulders was like brown branches sprawling out under green foliage... it really brightened my mood. I can't believe I spent so much time in high school wearing all black and navy blue (I was not goth, just somewhat morose, and didn't want to be noticed).

R's parents' bedroom is a peachy orange, with green tropical houseplants. Every time I step in there, I think the sun is starting to set because of the brilliant orange reflection from sunlight bouncing off the walls. If I weren't leaving this place in August (and didn't have to repaint white), I would do that here. After all, we evolved to live among plants, and there are many studies showing that the presence of plants decreases stress and anxiety. It makes sense that we respond to bright colors. I should try to add some colors to this blog. Cameras tend to miss the beauty found in natural settings, but something is better than nothing.

I have a problem with boredom here, and it is worse now that we have had a few days of bitter cold--just a few degrees above zero, and not bright and sunny like when I was in MN. I suppose I would be bored anywhere, with it being so cold like this. I don't want to read or write or draw or watch movies, I want to walk around and see different interesting things. That is one of my favorite things to do.

A friend (admittedly strange) said he couldn't imagine being bored. There are so many possible things to do in life. I agreed that that is a great way of seeing things. But I just don't.
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I have been trying to not force myself to learn life lessons lately, to just go about my day and let them come to me. It's much more natural and avoids being self-punishing or forcing. So I have lots of thoughts that I'm letting congeal on their own.... it's the kind of thing that has to stew. One thing I continue to think about is different points of view, how everyone is kind of right in their own way. I guess the question is, what are the practical implications? Are people hurt by this? Context may be key... I don't have any specific examples right now, but this question of viewpoints comes up quite a bit at my school in different debates. I think about it-- how can someone view something so differently from me? I want to understand, because though I still may not agree, I will have more compassion when I see *why* someone thinks what they do. It is never so simple as "They are stupid". People think what they think for a reason, usually an instant reaction. That is why yoga is about transcending patterns/karma. Without a special practice, all a person can do is react over and over and get themselves stuck in the same kind of messes.

Beautiful, simple Howard Zinn essay right here.

The last paragraph:

An optimist isn't necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places--and there are so many--where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

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I think it goes well with yogic philosophy, to always avoid harm, to do one's best to see clearly, that little acts add up. It is a practical application. He himself performed civil disobedience in civil rights and anti-war actions, putting himself on the line, knowing that no one is free if one is suffering because we are all connected.

Sometimes the world seems too overwhelming. I prefer to not notice anything but the tree branches waving in the wind as I walk home. Yesterday, I was walking around a conference with a friend and she told me that in the short time we were talking, three guys very obviously were watching me. It was supposed to be a compliment, I guess, but I was horrified. It sounded invasive, no wonder I hadn't noticed. I would never want to.

Then at home, I was showed a brief movie clip with shooting. It was fictional, but I can hardly stand that kind of thing. I try not to show it, but it is just too awful. I know there are people who really have to deal with that kind of thing and it gets to me.

And then meat... I was thinking today that I am tired of being vegan and different. But how can I not eat vegan? I can't stand the thought of using another living being, just because I want to, not because I have to in order to survive. It doesn't feel right at all to me.

I don't mean to sound negative. In fact, today was a very good day and I felt unusually happy. But I am feeling acutely how sensitive I am to so many things. I met someone last year that said she actually stopped being vegan (she went to consuming some eggs and dairy) because on a spiritual level, it made her so sensitive that she couldn't stand it. Everyday life was just too difficult. She really wanted to be vegan, but wasn't sure how to manage it again. She thought I seemed a bit that way (not that she was trying to convince me to do anything differently). I have to learn acceptance somehow, I think, but am not quite sure how to do that. Seeing my patterns had not been enough for me to change them, I still have a lot of growing up to do somehow.

The sky was beautiful today, with brief moments of windy snow coming down interspersed throughout a generally clear day. Classes are starting and I am so glad to be in my last semester of them.

However, the main thing on my mind is the death of historian Howard Zinn. I read his People's History of the United States over and over. His depictions of regular people doing extraordinary things over and over (stories buried by mythologies of "heroes" and "leaders" in regular history books) was incredible to me. All throughout history, there are stories of horrible things. Yet despite all odds, there are always people working to do amazing things to improve everyones' lives and make the world a better place. Everything is against them and they still try. It's a beautiful fact.

He also wrote about being a bomber pilot in World War II, and how that drove him to become a peace activist. He later found out he had bombed an entirely civilian town, in an act of what could only be considered pure terrorism. If the war regarded as the epitome of a just and good war was a lie, what did that mean about war in general? How could it ever be anything but a drive for power, directed by the powerful but suffered by the poor (the majority).

It made me very sad... but he was 87 and his wife had died in 2008. I saw him speak about 6 or 7 years ago and he was incredible. It's sad but I imagine it would be hard to go on for long after one's lifelong spouse has passed. I suppose it's just the nature of things.

The organic conference was fun--it was a much better energy than the other conference I was at earlier this month. Good people, good ideas. I'm not sure why there are always some bizarre ideas at any alternative-type event, though. I guess "alternative" encompasses a wide variety of alternatives. Some of the things from biodynamics sounds pretty made-up, and the raw milk-meat-lard people love to cherry-pick studies (picking apart certain studies but holding tight to very old, poorly done studies). At least people are trying to stretch themselves, I suppose.

Being back in Ithaca is rather boring. Classes start tomorrow, which takes away from the humdrum routine of data analysis. I should use the crayons I got for my birthday and draw something with bright colors....

The snow falls, covering everything, and then melts away again. This morning I walked up to campus at 7:30, and everything was covered. The sound of cars was muffled by the blanket of snow.

Coming home, it was warm and my feet got wet. But the gray didn't bother me so much.

Things are settling better into a new routine. My adviser wants me to defend my thesis by mid-November. That will be great because it means I will done by the end of this year, for sure. Then, something else. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I am in a good place with friends, with a good feel. A little more exciting than here, hopefully.

I'm going to a statewide organic conference this weekend. It's exciting because the other conference I presented at in Cambridge (beginning of this month) was very stuffy and regressive, in my opinion. At this conference, there will be lot of local farmers, forward thinkers, down-to-earth people instead of just academics. I feel much more comfortable being at this sort of event. There are always commonalities with everyone (we're all just human), but I honestly am not mature enough to have a good time rubbing shoulders with agribusiness-loving executives. The best thing for me, where I'm currently at, is to leave them be.

It'll be my last semester of classes as well, which is great! More time for reading whatever I want to, afterwards. Realistically, I will be burnt out on learning and probably won't study much for a long time. But it's nice to be moving in that direction. Hearing my adviser say I should defend in Nov made me feel like things are moving along nicely.
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I had an interesting dream the other night. I got very angry, much more so than usually I do in real life. I beat someone up very badly. I actually had to pause and rewind the dream a couple times, because I nearly beat the fictional person to death, and I didn't want to do that. I had the thought, "With that much beating, she'll die, this isn't realistic, if I don't want to kill this person," and went back a bit and beat a bit more and shoved her away to suffer and recover. I had to stop the dream and force myself to wake up because the whole thing was disturbing. And then, awake, I felt peaceful and relieved.

I hate violent movies, I don't understand deep aggression, but what this dream made me realize is that I have those things in me, just hidden. It's one thing to think you are capable of all emotions, and another to feel you are capable of all. It was interesting. It wasn't quite lucid dreaming, but I had a level of control--I didn't want to kill the person and actually had to redo a scene in the dream a few times.

For some reason, it didn't feel bad. I marveled in the feeling of having let out so much aggression. It's good to know that part is there so I can keep an eye on it.

Today was like a mini-spring: weather in the forties, blue sky, some sun. Maybe that's how I'll get through this winter. I forgot that we get all these mini-thaws in Ithaca, making it feel like spring is coming. It makes it hard to study, but getting the blahs also makes it hard to do my work. I'm actually glad classes will be starting in over a week, because data analysis is getting very old.

I met up with someone who had been doing her research in Columbia. I was very jealous of her when she started (maybe jealous isn't quite the right word--I was very happy for her). She went there for four months and learned to speak Spanish and will be done soon, and might get a job working for a strawberry company. I don't quite want to do that--I don't ever want to move where I don't know anyone, ever again. But it is nice to see people finishing and happy, especially good people that you want to see do well. Regardless of how I'm doing, it's good to see others being happy.

coming back is hard

Ithaca is gray and it makes me feel gray. I keep telling myself, I only have (less than) a year left, less than a year left. It seems ungrateful to be counting down time like that. But it is what it is--I don't feel a good fit for this town, and my mind is not in a place where I can just change it. I've gotten tired reading about yoga--I need a break from all that stuff; I need concrete things I can enjoy.


So there are little things to look forward to--I may go to Vegas in March (not interested in anything but the warm desert!), maybe MN in March, plus a few small trips here and there--I'd like to go to NYC and Boston before summer. Other things to try: winter activities (sledding, cross-country skiing) and... I need to brainstorm some more.

Back in Ithaca

Less than a year left here, now. I have lots of work to do and decisions to make. I walked on the frozen Mississippi and met up with tons of people and didn't work for two weeks. I have to think about what to do this year to make it fun. Hard to do today, after just getting back.
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