reactions

I am seeing more and more how everything people do is just reactions to what is happening, based on past conditioning. It is so hard to escape. I think it can only be done little by little, with gradual better and better choices as life goes on. Yogic practices are supposed to be a means for overcoming the conditioning as well, but I still think it can't be done in an instant. People like Eckhart Tolle might claim otherwise... but he was a special case. The story goes (and I actually am inclined to believe it) that he was very depressed, suffering and then the thought "I can stand myself anymore" triggered the thought, "who is the 'I' that I can't stand?", and--wham!-- he achieved realization. But like a monkey might accidentally pain the Mona Lisa, it doesn't mean that act is easily reproducible. Anyone who makes a sudden, drastic change is usually not able to maintain it--even worse, you have an illusion of quickly getting past your issues, and won't be prepared if (when) life knocks you down and you revert back to the same old things.

Seeing these patterns is supposed to help one overcome them. I am not sure. I feel like I see myself repeat the same things over and over, and am unable to act differently. If I act far differently than I am naturally inclined to, I feel like a rubber band that is being stretched... eventually I will snap back. I can only do my best at the time, gradually pushing myself forward, bit by bit.
I still feel positive about the future. There is a part of me inside that knows everything will be alright. But I can't put a time limit on it.

In completely less serious news, I am really enjoying this vegan parmesan cheese I bought. It's not the one made from nutritional yeast and walnuts (though that is good, and I should probably just make that myself, since it's pricey), it's made from processed soy and doesn't have many redeeming health qualities. But I'm eating it on air-popped popcorn and pasta and it's really, really good (if one likes this sort of thing).

Also, my adviser had "car trouble" Friday (after days of repeated travel, so I don't blame her) and still hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up. I should be catching up on things, but am being absolutely horrible and doing the minimum amount of work possible. Bad Sara! Get to work! :)