Sometimes the world seems too overwhelming. I prefer to not notice anything but the tree branches waving in the wind as I walk home. Yesterday, I was walking around a conference with a friend and she told me that in the short time we were talking, three guys very obviously were watching me. It was supposed to be a compliment, I guess, but I was horrified. It sounded invasive, no wonder I hadn't noticed. I would never want to.

Then at home, I was showed a brief movie clip with shooting. It was fictional, but I can hardly stand that kind of thing. I try not to show it, but it is just too awful. I know there are people who really have to deal with that kind of thing and it gets to me.

And then meat... I was thinking today that I am tired of being vegan and different. But how can I not eat vegan? I can't stand the thought of using another living being, just because I want to, not because I have to in order to survive. It doesn't feel right at all to me.

I don't mean to sound negative. In fact, today was a very good day and I felt unusually happy. But I am feeling acutely how sensitive I am to so many things. I met someone last year that said she actually stopped being vegan (she went to consuming some eggs and dairy) because on a spiritual level, it made her so sensitive that she couldn't stand it. Everyday life was just too difficult. She really wanted to be vegan, but wasn't sure how to manage it again. She thought I seemed a bit that way (not that she was trying to convince me to do anything differently). I have to learn acceptance somehow, I think, but am not quite sure how to do that. Seeing my patterns had not been enough for me to change them, I still have a lot of growing up to do somehow.