I am so uncomfortable with the culture at Cornell. It hit me hard yesterday, when I was speaking to an undergrad that started a new group. They bring up different cultural and political issues, which I thought was great, since they are usually only addressed in a patronizing way. I told him I was so glad this new group was started, since I find the intellectual culture at Cornell so bizarre and displaced from everything else. He said, "What do you mean? Cornell is the lowest ranked in the Ivy League." I get these strange reactions from almost everyone I talk to here. The people that don't feel like this have a lot of experience with low-income communities (personal or through their work) and aren't really happy here. I guess that includes me.

I miss being around people who gave me strange looks for buying new things, applying to grad school, all that standard stuff. They'd be like, why don't you find it used, why don't you learn on your own, don't get stuck buying into the game. Those questions always pushed me to look at my true motivations, the truth of what I was doing. I want to hang out with people more radical than myself, who push me to question assumptions and do more than I am doing. I have no problem telling them, "No, this is what I'm doing and I'm fine with it", whether it's being materialistic or going to school, or anything else. Making compromises is a part of living in such a destructive world. But I want to be asked and I want to be around people who don't take everything for granted. It takes a lot of courage to buck the norms and I admire people like that.

Happy Halloween!

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." --Jack Handey

I'm going to a bunch of parties tomorrow night (partying-type parties), and I just decided on my costume: a missionary! I have a prim and proper dress and name-tag and will hand out anti-Halloween pamphlets (same as a religious group at my undergrad used to hand out). It will be so funny! I love the contrast. The contrasts are in my own life: Boring, studious non-drinker going to multiple parties. Devout environmentalist studying pesticides. Anti-tech sympathizer blogging. Ah, maybe I'm just a hypocrite. Or maybe things are just complex~~

There was a local meat fair recently, it's kind of sad. It doesn't really matter where the animal is killed, I think. I am getting more comfortable living in a world that does not value the same things as me, though. I realized this with all the herbicide work I have been doing. I learned about herbicides for the weeds contest, became a certified pesticide applicator, and am learning/teaching about herbicides as a TA. It's interesting to learn about and get the real, unbiased story on. And I realize, that it is complex. I see why farmers use them and farm kids make fun of people who want to ban them all. And yet, it doesn't feel right at all. I don't think it's a good way to think about these agro-ecological systems we're creating, or to deal with the problem. On the outside, it looks like I have completely flipped my stance (as many older people tell young people they will do), but the reality is that I haven't at all. I just see the nuance in the situation and have a lot more respect for those who disagree than I used to.

It amazes me to see I don't feel nearly as conflicted as I used to, without changing my core values. I do my best regardless of anything because it's based on what I feel to be right, not on ideology (ideally!). Much more difficult is smaller, everyday things--not arguing with people close to me, or gossiping, or thinking snide thoughts. The big things are easier to do right but the small wrongs are much more significant than I often realize.

speed reading

I have been wondering how I managed to get into graduate school. I don't feel particularly smart, anymore, compared to my peers. But I just took a bunch of online reading speed tests (yes, I was procrastinating!). That is the reason I have gotten as far as I have. I have never met anyone who reads faster than me. I chalk it up to a passion for Babysitter's Club books at age 7 :) I'd check out ten books from the library and read them all in a day or two.

Yes, hard work, interest, passion, sticking to a goal, help from others, etc all helped. But I have no idea what I would do if I couldn't read as fast as I can. The downside is that it has made me impatient in a lot of ways. I don't like listening to stories or lectures because I know I can read the same in a tiny fraction of the time. And that's if I read the whole thing. My usual MO is to skim, and then go back and extract the info I need. I skip what seems boring or not useful. I'm grateful, I depend on this skill, it's a gift I didn't earn, and it keeps me sane in grad school (I would have no time to take care of myself if I were a slow reader). But I'm becoming acutely aware that I've relied on it in ways that make me lazy and impatient as well. Time to work on those areas. It is amazing to *see* something I've taken for granted.

My one thought is, can I get to be this fast in another language? I doubt it, and it makes me not want to read in any other language (impatience!). My first year of Japanese they had speed reading tests as part of the grade. You would read out loud, as fast as you could. I *killed* at those tests, and it was completely unfair. And my comprehension was 0. I comprehend English when I read, but in another language, it's speed or meaning, not both. I cannot remember learning to read English (I do remember learning to spell), so I'm not sure how to learn to read another language well. I just loved reading more than anything else and remember everything I read vividly. I might be below average in other methods of learning.

Hatha yoga reflections

I seem to go to yoga classes about once a month, and do more short bits on my own. I would really love to try Iyengar, which focuses on alignment. I am not a big fan of Vinyasa or Ashtanga; too fast for my taste (though I do do them, every so often). I like yin yoga, and restorative when in the mood to relax, and hatha (technically, all poses are hatha yoga, but the hatha ones seem to be beginning classes without the vinyasa "flow"); anything slow that lets me feel my body and really open things up. I'm not sure if the gym here has Iyengar, and the gym ones are the best deal for me financially.

Other types I know are:
-Bikram--haven't done, no interest
-Kundalini-totally different than everything else. Sometimes I like it, sometimes not. Lots of breathwork, kriyas, interval-style exercise with mini-meditations and chanting.
-Viniyoga--I *think* this is what I tried at a small studio in St. Paul once. Kind of weird but good--can't remember details, though. Or was it Kripalu? There were different, little flowy parts, unlike vinyasa. You would move just one little part back and forth for a bit.
-Tri-yoga--I liked this; more yang than my favorites mentioned, but lots of good work and stretches.
-Forrest yoga--more "power" yoga-ish than I prefer. Ana Forrest is amazing to watch, though. It's like a dance form when she does it, very athletic and beautiful.

I am very sore, so I may do some on my own later today!

Paw-paws

I went to Cornell Orchards recently and it is paw-paw season! It grows well in the northeast, but there are problems with its commercial potential since when it ripens, it gets mushy and can't be shipped.

Paw-paw is related to the custard apple (cherimoya) and has that semi-gooey inside with hard, dark seeds. It's not my favorite, but there are potential health benefits above and beyond the average fruit; they have compounds that are under investigation for cancer and lupus treatment.

It's still fall here. The colors are so amazing, my eyes can't get enough of it. And it is actually sunny today (yesterday, too!).

I feel very lucky right now that I'm in a position to travel as much as I have been. I end up going someone else once a month, on average--not bad considering I'm in school. I think that's a benefit of being a midwesterner on the east coast; everything seems so much closer, relative to before. Next month I'll travel to both NYC and MN (NYC the first weekend in Nov, MN for Thanksgiving), and Dec I'll go to MN, Jan I have a conference in Cambridge, MA and may stop by NYC as well (especially since it will be winter break). That, on top of all the people I know who have traveled and share their experiences with me, make me feel like I have the whole world covered. Hearing the stories and being able to compare them seems to trigger something in me, some sort of understanding. Such as, "Oh! this thing I always took for granted, can actually be quite different than I imagined," or, "This is the same in a place so different? We really are the same in some fundamental way." So, so lucky.

I know a few people linked with Brooklyn community gardens and I want to check out that scene and any other ag-related things there, possibly this winter. We shall see... that's the big thing about my school, I guess. Lots of connections, opportunities for networking.

Okay, this article on spirituality is too funny. And true. There can be a lot of materialism-disguished-as-wise-teachings involved. All we can do is listen to our guts.

various updates

I'm halfway done with my program already! The end is near. It's very exciting. Already, I have to finish the lit review for my thesis and start crunching my first year of data. I also have some more grants to apply for... my adviser said I should decide on a school if I want to go on for a PhD, or otherwise I will probably start interviewing in September, as I use that semester to finish things up. The job prospect sounds much more exciting to me, I want to work in a city. There are still fields and ag-related things in cities, so there will be many options. I really want to work for sustainable ag in some way; it's very important to me.

My favorite thing about being here is that I am no longer smart. I feel dumb a lot. Being smart (=scoring well on standardized tests) always felt like a liability. It meant I had to get top grades and that other people felt uncomfortable (since self-worth=scores on standardized tests). Here, everyone has done well with tests. There's always someone far more brilliant or type A than you (and I am not type A at all). It's a relief! It also means lots of intellectual stimulation, which I love (and was sorely lacking at my old job). Here, you can say something like, "I am fascinated by Japanese linguistics" or "reading ancient Greek texts is an old hobby of mine" and no one bats an eye (for the record, the first but not the second is true). And I use things I studied a long time ago, like genetics and biochemistry, all the time (to understand research). Of course, the flip side can be snobbery and lack of social skills. But I can ignore that and focus on all the great learning :)

I've been trying to resume my Brazilian Portuguese studies. I know one person who is basically fluent in it, and another trying to learn. So we're trying to get together. Mine is very bad, but forcing yourself is the best way to learn. It's so hard to keep the different Romance languages straight.
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My yoga practice is fruiting. I'm not suffering from anxiety like before. I'm starting to get back some of what I've put out. I'm very grateful and continue to put energy in that area. Not too much, but just enough.

I'm going out to the field one last time today. My peppers are long gone, but I have to take a look at the cover crop in the new field. It's a nice break from schoolwork. I'm so tired of all these science classes and wish I could have a fun language class to break things up, like I used to have before. I'm remembering now, I was never very good at science. I don't catch on quickly and getting As in the classes is a tremendous amount of work (that I'm not really willing to put in). My brain is built some other way. Luckily I don't find reading literature and writing about it to be too difficult. It's difficult conceptually, but at least there's nothing to memorize. Very important for an MS (Master of Science).

The NYT has a new article on how "shouting is the new spanking", basically what parents do when they lose their temper. I'm glad society is progressing in this manner. It doesn't mean you can't be strict with boundaries, it just means you do your best to stay level-headed with your children, and not let the go get involved. I won't say that is easy--I'm sure it's harder than I can imagine. But it's an important responsibility.

Last night at my peer counseling training, we had a LGBT panel. One thing that struck me was a comment someone made on how the "coming out" process is never done. You have to do it again and again and again. That's why so many will leave small towns and move to big liberal cities, so it's not a big deal. I can't imagine having to do that, I wouldn't want to. It's too bad it has to be a "thing"--where even if you are accepted, people will tend to identify you by your sexuality. And if your preferences change, that had to be a big deal, too. You can't just be doing your thing.

One thing I didn't get, maybe never will, was when they defined transgender. I have never felt like a woman in a woman's body. I am a person (or soul, or whatever) in a body that happens to be female. I would have no problem being a man--though nearly 26 years of socialization as a female would make it hard at this point. But I could have switched ten years ago, and it wouldn't have felt like a big deal for me. Of course, there's nothing for me to get, people should do whatever feels most honest to them. But how common is this idea of an internal, "mind" gender? Do non-trans people feel it, too? I'm glad people are more concerned with people being themselves than sticking to rigid gender roles, but I am curious about how a true self could have anything to do with a gender identity.

I babysat last night for a 3 1/2 year old; it was a lot of fun. I've missed it, and it was very helpful for her parents. She was so funny--I asked her how old her parents are, and she said her mom was "10:30". And her dad was maybe "21", "23", or "20-10!". ("23" was the correct answer). I would have been fine if she had put up a big fuss about bedtime, but since she doesn't know me very well, she was great. We read three books, she went to the bathroom (by herself!), put on her pjs, and I tucked her in. I wish adults would play like kids do, I'm so tired of stuffy adults.

On the other hand, I am grateful for the opportunity I've been given with my schooling. After over a year of studying these things, it starts to feel like it's all coming together. I understand it from a big picture view, which helps me get the details. I read scientific papers and see why they're interesting. And I can better understand scientific articles that aren't in my field at all. It's a certain way of thinking that I have learned. The trouble comes when people think that's it's the best or only way to think. But as a tool, I'm glad to have it. I'm surprised, I'll have a degree that actually means something :p

allergies

I had noticed a while back that my allergies got really bad when I ate wheat. I laid off on it for awhile and noticed that when I reintroduced it, it was fine and peachy. Yea! I don't like avoiding normal things, even though I don't care much about wheat.

But... my ragweed allergies are very bad now, and spending time in the greenhouse with it (even if only a few hours a week) is no good. I'll be glad when that is done in a few weeks. I wonder if I should get acupuncture, it helped a lot with my springtime allergies, way back when.

Oh--the new green mentioned before--was mizuna.

This past weekend was fall break. It's supposed to be a time to catch up if you are behind, or to relax or travel if you need to wind down. I was supremely lazy; I should stop fooling myself that I am going to get much done. It's just too hard to sit for hours reading papers and writing about them. Mainly I sat around, cooking, eating, reading things for fun, laying down. And I laid in bed for at least an hour after I got up. I meditated, but I also read and then just lay there. That's always been my natural inclination in the morning. Then I have to leave, before I get too bored and my head starts to hurt (from boredom?). It's been a pattern for years.

Ultimately, I would prefer living in a bigger place (city) than here because there are more distractions. Distractions from what? Distractions from who? I guess, myself. Honestly, it works in the short-term (distractions and feeling better).

But it's not my situation, so I am trying to take on the mind-set of choosing to enjoy what there is. Like when it was raining and my sister was here. Instead of "Oh no, it's cloudy and grey and there is nothing to do inside," we ran outside, jumping in puddles, going up to the lookout spot, running in circles. It was so much fun.

Once in a while, I feel like I can really see everything right before me. When I can see everything, I don't get bored so easily. It just doesn't come up. I see the patterns created by the light, playing over the wrinkles in the crumpled cloth on the bed. Or the gently curling of a black leaf, twisting down as it senescences from lack of water. Then, gradually, I can't see again. How could I not see what is right in front of me?

I am trying to remind myself to see. Frame of mind is everything.

(Image from wikipedia.com)

I got a new green from my CSA! I mostly like it because it's pretty, but it has a nice flavor, too. More bite than some greens, but not as spicy as arugula. \\
The first time I bought arugula, I didn't know much. I was trying to make a green juice like I had gotten at the coop's juice bar, and I used arugula, thinking it was like any other green. What a nasty surprise that was! So I have a bad impression of arugula from that juicing incident.

We're going home for Thanksgiving, after all. That should be fun! My grandmother's also gotten interested in Dr. McDougall's vegan, low-fat cooking, so we will have a delicious, vegan-friendly contingent! As much as I don't like to stick to any sort of diet, I have to honestly say my preferred way of eating is pretty close to what he prescribes. I know many people do better with higher fat than he recommends, and low-fat is not so popular these days, but my preference is an honest aesthetic one :)

The contrast of the sky with the leaves is amazing. Even the grey days don't bother me, especially if I have music. One day I shouldn't need headphones to drown out my mind... but for now it is very uplifting to trek up the hill with music. Whether cloudy or sunny, every day the colors blow my mind.

My new favorite thing happening to me is that I'm beginning to appreciate people more--people who previously, I would have rolled my eyes at. My instructor's silly jokes, evangelical Christian radio, etc. It's much better going through life appreciating what is. Of course, I recognize ignorance. But I don't need to let it throw me off course.

Been cooking lots of pumpkin lately! They had a watermelon with my CSA and I didn't accept it because it's been cold and rainy... eating watermelon just seems to be asking to feel cold and wet inside. The pumpkin is cinnamon and nutmeg-y and delicious.

the end of a season

Today I pulled the last of the stakes out of my pepper field. They are still producing! There hasn't been a frost yet, but I'm done with the field. It'll be tilled and seeded with some sort of cover crop. My next field is already seeded with cover crops and I'll have to take some measurements in about two weeks.

Even though I was only there to pull out stakes, I filled two huge bags (like, garbage sized bags) full of red peppers. And I picked a fraction of them (and no green ones--most are green!). It's just an acre, but there are so many. I give them away (in addition to what the food bank takes from our farm) and I'm a hero to everyone. Free organic peppers :)

I ordered The Procrastinator's Handbook, which is supposed to be a good book for grad students (grad school is an excellent opportunity to procrastinate--avoid writing). I heard about it at the peer counselor trainings I've been going to weekly. The focus is on empathetic listening without advice-giving and I'm very glad I'm doing it. It helps me listen to someone else without reacting or turning the conversation to me, or giving advice (and what do I really know about how to solve someone else's feelings, anyway?).

thought of the day (for myself)

I think, to not judge people for judging others, is a good idea.

We went to DC and NYC this weekend; it was a a quick-paced trip and very enjoyable. It makes me wonder if I should apply my skills to urban ag. Ithaca is lovely and I will always have a soft spot for it. I gaze down at the landscape from the Cornell hill a couple times every day, and observe the gorges, and know I am lucky. But I am not meant to stay.

I have been feeling really good lately, with intermittent (and sporadic) moments of partial clarity. My meditation is clearing out the garbage and making my overall life a little more liveable, bit by bit. The "bit by bit" part is important. My mantra meditation beforehand was bringing up so many things at once, I was unable to keep up with it. I could see what I needed to do for every little thing, and it was way too much. It could make a person go crazy to know all of that, so I wouldn't recommend it. Total self-introspection can be devastating before everything has cleared, because you can't respond to it all and don't yet feel the connection to everything else (which you can see keeps everything flowing, if you pace yourself). But now, I just feel grateful.