Back after a long day of travel. I'm so worn out, and it will continue. Only one year left. I'm so glad I chose this area, it was the right fit, and if I was in any other area, I would quit. When I look at my old nutrition books or other things, they just seem silly. Listen to your body and let the rest fall into place. There are much more important things to be focusing on. Health is important, but I can't focus on that. It's not what I'm meant to work on.

Having reached my own limits for work, I really get it now, when people mean by when they say their "priorities have changed". Usually they've been busy with their family or career and their bodies have fell by the wayside to a certain extent, or they don't do whatever else makes you popular. I don't really care that much if I gain weight or aren't well-rounded. I will make the time for my health, but don't really have the energy to care about shallow distractions, if they're not relaxing. I'm not that high energy and can't be cramming a million things into my life.

Despite my whining, I remain optimistic. I know things will get easier... just not sure when or how. I'm looking forward to my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. He's good, I find it really relaxing. He's also passionate about stopping the fracking in this area (dumping chemicals in water to extract natural gas), which I deeply respect. I love all the old activists in this area, they really care, beyond whatever trend there is.

Nearly the end of a four day stay in MN--the first day was strange, like Ithaca had become home. I remembered the people there I couldn't see. It was so surprising!

But that feeling has gone away fast. I wouldn't mind if I never had to go back there, and all the stress that is there. I would send people letters and keep in touch, and never look back. "Only" a year left feels like a ridiculous statement, when a year is so long. I can't imagine what people are thinking when they want me to get a PhD--what is the point of putting off one's life for so long, if they don't enjoy the process of what they are doing. It's too late for me to turn back, and I'm learning tons and tons, but two years is plenty.

Winter already....

This MS program is going by fast. So many things crammed in such a small amount of time, it's hard to believe I've done all of it. I keep forgetting things I've done, or am doing, or have to do. Doesn't that prove it's too much, if I can't even remember? I forget things all the time now, and like everyone else here, it's tempting to add even more to my schedule (especially if you want to do important things outside of school). It feels like it's not okay to say "no" unless you're truly about to breakdown.

I don't blame my adviser. Yesterday, she said flat out, "Don't get As. Get what you need from the class and go." (Isn't that funny!) It's institutional, cultural.

This lifestyle isn't healthy. Doing too much is as unhealthy as doing too little. The culture rewards workoholism, and ignores the toll on mental health.

Plus, what counts as "doing" something? You don't get a pay raise for taking care of a sick friend, or an A for raising a child, or a line on your resume for dealing with your parents. I see people on the edge of anxiety attacks, constantly sick, self-medicating. There's nothing wrong with people doing all these things--I do them all too, or would do them (I would drink if I got any satisfaction from it). There should be no stigma for such suffering. They are simply consequences of being out of balance. Fixing it is easier said than done...

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On a more positive note-- It's nearly Thanksgiving and I'll get to do some travels. I have work to do, but it'll be nice to have a change of pace.

I've started watching the TV show Lost. One of my friends is into it--when you're busy, it's nice to just zone out and watch something. I know all the millions of things that are wrong with TV, but that doesn't change a thing when you're weary and want some entertainment. It's creepier than I prefer (I have to look away sometimes, since I have no tolerance for violence), but the character development is so interesting. They have flashbacks for everyone, showing they are much more than they seem. I think there is value in that--it reminds me how there is so much more to people than meets the eye. You don't know what someone else has been through and what they're dealing with, no matter what kind of act they put on. An act is not a person.

I've been trying to not force things quite as much, to take small places where I can see I've been forcing, and try and let go there. I'm so tired of forcing things. It doesn't feel right and it goes against my intuition. So it's been with my meditation practice.

I don't like feeling like I'm fighting or forcing so hard, it doesn't feel right. It's different from discipline--discipline is taking the next step to focus oneself, without doing anything that goes against the grain or can't be sustained.

I decided to keep myself open for when I wanted to meditate, and not force anymore. That I would trust I knew intuitively when I needed to do it, so I never had to feel resentful of it. I thought it might drop off for awhile (maybe a long time) before it felt more comfortable. To my surprise, I do do it for short bits, everyday. Not so long, but it feels more comfortable. It does require being more carefully disciplined in a way. It's easier to follow a schedule, and do it everyday at a set time. It's more difficult to stay aware and open to when I need it, and then actually do it then. But it feels more right, and since I get the desire to do it every so often, I know I can trust this. I just have to stay vigilant. I don't want to force anything ever again, if I can avoid it.

I am appreciating the intellectual culture here right now. It can get annoying, but it also requires that I use my mind and challenge myself. I hear great ideas from great thinkers, and wonder why they don't get executed. Great minds may disagree on purely intellectual basis, but the most common obstacle seems to be sillier things like ego, personality conflicts, or personal issues. Money and prestige do so much to color people's ideas, without them even being aware of it.

I've been thinking about what drives this need to spray all our food with pesticides. They do work, they kill what they are supposed to kill. But why do we focus on that when there are other controls and why is there so much satisfaction derived from killing something? Aside from money and subsidy structures (the biggest factor), there is something cultural. The need to control.

My day

The air was crisp but clear and sunny today. I admitted to my adviser that I didn't understand what she wanted me to do, and she said that was okay and I just needed to meet with her everyday before she goes (on vacation) until I understand. I kept my distance from a friend whose perfectionism is too strong for me to be around often. I got a pannier for my bike in the mail for my birthday and I am excited to use it soon.

Since my classmate's death, I am feeling more and more uncomfortable with the atmosphere here. I'd rather distance myself from it than ignore what I feel is dysfunctional (I don't feel that speaking about it with more than one person at a time helps). The suicide is being kept quiet--no one outside the department was told, including departments that are in the same building. We were encouraged to take our time and grieve, yet none of our obligations have been changed. How do I give myself time when I have the same deadlines that I did before? Mental health is encouraged in word and not deed. They also refused to discuss that the institutional culture could be a part of it. Of course one has to be mentally ill to commit suicide, but the community is not friendly to being open and sharing such problems, making us culpable to that extent. Workoholism is rewarded at any cost, and the standard way of relaxing is drinking alcohol at events. Work, work, work, then shove the feelings down with drugs.

What was really disturbing was right after his death, when people were sharing thoughts. Many people expressed the belief that our department is one of the most supportive departments there are--not all are like that. If I really thought that were true, that that was the height of human support possible, I probably would be suicidal, too. I don't say that lightly. Apparently taking a tiny bit of time to talk about someone, having good turnout at a memorial, and arranging meals for someone in hard times is the extent of it. Wow. Just from my last workplace, I can say there's a lot more that can be done--telling someone to go home and not worry about work for a moment, no pretending things are better than they are, crying and hugging in public, are things off the top of my head. The way it is, is so cold.

I feel much better admitting all this. My trouble is being honest about this without coming across as hostile. Right now the best way to do that, seems to be avoiding the silly fake department grieving events. Phoniness is really my least favorite thing.

I just realized also--the happiest, cheeriest person in the department is the custodian. Coincidence? He has the least stressful job, that allows him finish early in the day and lead an actual life.

wandering, philosophical thoughts

I requested crayons for my birthday today. I was doodling around the edges of my notes today and drawing spirals and flowers and trees. I haven't done much of it since I was ten so my skills are the same, or honestly, far worse. I wished my notes were colored and bright, and that all my bland schoolwork would go away and be replaced by concrete things. The problem is not school, but the replacement of concrete activities with abstract concepts. How are we supposed to be happy theorizing when we are built to be doing? No one's body is meant to sit in a chair or hold a pen. I wish I were raised in a way that would allow me to feel free to just be and do instead of think abstractly, detached from a direct connection to anything. The less I deny this desire, the better I feel. We all want to feel connected to everything. That is the definition of love, that there is no separation, so everything kind I do for you, I also do for myself.

I have let myself talk about others lately... mild gossip. I have to stop this, now. People often bond over gossip, but at what price? If I picture myself being talked about, then I see clearly how nasty a thing it is to do.

Biking!

Yesterday I found a way to bike to the mall area outside Ithaca, in a little suburb. Once I get up the Cornell hill, I'm able to climb the rest on my bike (though it is still on an incline). I'm exciting because it opens up a whole new mini-world for biking, which I miss so much. It's not far, only 3 miles, but better than the mile or two I'm used to biking across this tiny town. It feels so good to be biking outside, past the golden and red leaves. I need more exercise for my mental health, and it's hard to be motivated in a gym.

I'm learning more about pesticides, why they get used. They do work very well, especially if you don't care about water of wildlife, so obviously I still think they are horrible. The price we pay with them is just too high in the long-term. If in the future, we aren't able to grow enough food without them (a contentious claim), then our population is too high. That doesn't do much good for those who already exist, but we have more than enough food for everyone already. It's just not distributed fairly, and nothing in the pesticide-mindset changes that. It is a short-sighted mindset, to be sure. It is so weird being in a room full of people who think that way. Yesterday at a meeting, they were all exasperated at the EPA regulations, as if none of that mattered. The EU is even crazier to them, passing regulations based on the precautionary principle, affecting all those who sell food to them. Why is the EU so different than us?

The nice thing about being a student is that there is this sense that what you're doing doesn't matter, because you are preparing for something else. Once you have a job, there's a feeling of "Oh, this is it." And so if you don't like it, you can think about going back to school. But you are wherever you are. Maybe you'll make more money later, but it might not make you happier. Maybe it won't give you much of a leg up. The psychology of it is pretty interesting, though.

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We keep on talking about places we would live. The pressure is on. I am becoming less interested in moving abroad. I would rather live here and travel, I think. I would have a much easier time finding people interesting people in a US city, people that I connect with. People from other countries are plenty interesting, but I often don't understand them, culturally. And there will be so many interesting prospects for jobs. But I do have to make sure I travel to some great places and keep up my Spanish. That's the nice thing about a diverse city, lots of international communities.

I want to know where I want to look for jobs *soon* so I can start researching and talking to people. But it's so hard to say. I will know when it feels right. I'm not sure if I want to go back to MN yet. Maybe a little later. MN feels like home, like I could live there for years, so maybe I don't want to go back yet.

I had another quick weekend trip to NYC. There were, as always, lots of shiny things to look at and lots of people, but it's nice to be back in an area where few areas are so gray, people are pretty chilled out, and stress is low. I have a lot of work to do before Thanksgiving, though. It will be worth it in the end so I can graduate on time.

In the past few weeks, I can see where the wrinkles in my face will form. People don't think I look old yet, but I can see how it will happen soon, especially when I have a child. Children age you, quickly. I'm happy about it, to be farther away from that age when people are reckless and less appreciative of what they have. It is an exciting thing. And, I'm still myself. I'm not getting more hardened and cynical, I was born that way and every day is an opportunity to shed that.

At the memorial service (which was packed, he was well-known and liked), I talked to his poor father, telling him about how I had met him, and how he was so warm and genuine. He smiled, smiling so big without daring to stop, because if he stopped smiling he wouldn't be able to stop crying, and thanked me for telling him this story. It meant so much to him to hear these things from others. I thought, "I was just going to tell him that one story, but I can't leave now, until someone else comes to tell him their story," in a kind of panicked way, because I really didn't know him that well. So I racked my brain and told him every interaction I could think of, keeping him entertained, until I found someone else to introduce him to, to keep him occupied with stories.

I know he must have been very sick to kill himself, but seeing his dad's face showed me very clearly the true consequences of suicide. He was in hell, and now his poor parents are.

Things for me are alright, luckily. Classes, data analysis, simple stuff.

I feel much better today about everything, talking about it has helped process it. Now I mostly feel awful for the parents, that would be the worst thing. They're coming to a memorial tomorrow and we'll say nice things. I was also talking to someone who has been a crisis line counselor. He said they were trained to use the word "suicide" a lot--it doesn't put the idea in someone's head and it's good to use.

It turns out the student that I knew that died, killed himself. People describe him as happy, but looking back, I am not surprised that he was in a lot of pain. I suppose it was beyond what we could do, but I wish I could have done something all the same. There will be a memorial service, and we will do our best to comfort his parents.