The Wisdom of Yoga looks at the Yoga Sutras from a modern, Western perspective. It has examples from the author's personal life, which are an engaging way of looking at them. Right now I am reading about a friend of the author's who was in Overeaters Anonymous. Within her she had the "hungry ghost", a part of her that hungered for more. This literally played out in her behavior with food, and unhealthy restraint with emotions. I'm glad she agreed to let the author tell her story in this book. I keep thinking to myself, what are you trying to feed? I'm not sure, but it's not true hunger.

We had a lot of fun in NYC this weekend, walking around and seeing people we knew. We didn't go anywhere specifically... we thought about it, but had enough to do with walking around. I got three new books--one about yoga, with a transliteration of the Yoga Sutras (I'm waiting for another copy of that in the mail--it finally is very appealing to me, though a few months ago it would have bored me horribly), and two books by Yogananda--one on relationships, and another on being happy (can't remember any of the titles right now).

I also drove a lot, which is still a sore spot for me. My 3-D visual abilities are awful. I look and I don't see, I see and don't know what it means. But all fears must be confronted at some point, and that point is now for me. As I force myself to look and think and look, I feel like I'm waking up some part of the brain that hasn't been in use at all in this life. So, it was a great trip and I'm making myself learn some new things.
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Another great thing about the start of this school year is being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two more semester of classes, then finish research and thesis. Done! Hopefully some travel (maybe with that research travel grant) before starting a nice job. There is a lot of pressure to get a PhD, and it's very tempting, but I know I made the right decision initially--I don't need that. I could do it, but doing it to prove something or get a fancy title will make me unhappy in the end. Materialism does not work for me.

The students are back. And I'm noticing something that must have been there all along, but that I missed before: Ivy League snobbery. I heard a freshman (I'm guessing) say to her peers, "Look, the one thing everyone here has in common is that we're all smarter than most people."

If you think where you go to school is the only kind of intelligence worth counting, you have a lot to learning to do, from people you might not think you have anything to learn from (not to pick on her--I know she meant it innocently, trying to find her place in the world. But that idea can quickly become unhealthy). On that note, there is a new independent movie I'd love to see called The Philosopher Kings, a documentary with interviews with custodians from universities across the nation (including Cornell). The idea is that wisdom is in places we might not think to look, which I love. One of the custodians I know seems happier than anyone else I see around--always cheerful and saying hi (even when I felt lonely or grumpy), never stressed, and since he comes early, he leaves early. I like that idea, of a simpler life.

My talk went well and it was nice to see how far I've come in a year. I'm excited to be close to finishing up a year from now; I can see the light at the end of a tunnel. I also learned of grant money that would allow me to research an unrelated but plant-related topic anywhere in the world (as long as I can justify it) for a few months after finishing up my own research. I could look at ethnobotanicals, or urban trees, fruit production, or any other neat topic. I would apply this winter though, so I need to get started now. I'd really like to go somewhere where I'd use the language--maybe Spain? It's just brainstorming at this point.

I've noticed for awhile that when I get lost in my thoughts, my visual ability to focus gets shot; everything is a little blurrier (with or without contacts/glasses). Lately I've been stricter about pushing thoughts down before they become a tornado of hopelessness (a phenomenon that has been occurring a lot this past year), and everytime I do, I notice my visual acuity improving. I can actually see what's in front of me, while before I couldn't. It's such a relief... real life is just there, and I don't need to overthink it. I push down thoughts, and just see what there is.

I realized the title of this blog is officially "nothing"--that's what it says for me, at least. I had typed that in as a placeholder when I couldn't think of anything. Now that I'm reading Adyashanti, who initially trained in Zen, it seems quite funny to me.

I'm preparing for a talk I'm giving to my department on Weds. The pretension is so strange and so is the mix of smart people. The horticulture department is not monolithic by any means--it includes turf management as well as trees and ornamentals and floriculture. I think it was a guy in turf that asked me, reluctantly, if I was into that "sustainability stuff" when he heard my area. It's a really funny mix, probably one that would have bothered me more a few years ago. Now I'll just take it as it comes, at least in theory.

The semester starts next week and I have a lot of work to do before then: prepare for a class I am going to TA, give a talk to my department, give a brief talk to a sort of open house for farmers... I guess that's all, but it's enough.

I've been thinking that I should start doing yoga asana (poses) again, because my neck is always so tight. It seems to worsen my allergies, somehow.

Oops, meant to do a longer update but I have to go. We may go on a trip out of town this weekend. We are trying to take advantage of living 5 hours from so many places (unlike in the midwest).

Sometimes I get little brief glimpses of clarity that seem to come from meditating at the start of the day. The funny thing is, it never seems to happen again more than a handful of times. So I can't really know where this will all go, but I know my job is to do it.

Today I went to a potluck with students from the student farm. They are really amazing, idealistic and putting in hard work to keep things going. I would work there if I wasn't working outside all day, and I look forward to do so when I'm stuck writing and analyzing data all day (in a little over a year!).

More and more I reaffirm that a PhD isn't right for me. I like this for now, but I prefer learning on my own, instead of the hoop jumping, over-specific type of learning that's in school. I also miss interacting with people outside of school, getting a more diverse point of view (outside of privileged twenty-somethings). More and more I am seeing the strangeness of the elite school system. People really think they are working so much harder than people at other schools. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's best to be humble while knowing what you're good at. It doesn't mean you have to assume you're working harder than everyone else.

pepper harvest

We harvest bell peppers green, and it's easy to see why. If we waited for all of them to turn red, the ones that turned red first would rot, and that rot spreads. That's why red peppers are so expensive; you lose so many when waiting for them to turn red. I have as many red ones as I can eat, though.

food updates

I finally got some fresh NY melon! All I've had today is fruit and veggies. I wouldn't normally (so restrictive!), but it's so fun to take advantage of fresh fruit while it's in season. Especially melon, which is so bad when it's been shipped. Some was picked from the farm for an event, and there was a lot left over--when else will I have the chance!? So I have a giant melon belly :)

It's also potato season. I don't usually eat them much anymore (though I used to make potato cheese soup ALL the time, and then potato soy-plus-casein-cheese soup before I stopped dairy completely), but they store forever, and they might be nice in a stew.
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Okay, non-food stuff that has been going on:
-we might do a wine tour with some friends soon. I don't really want to drink, but it sounds fun to go around the lake and to try all the different varieties. Apparently grape type and environment really affect taste.
-we might go somewhere this weekend--are currently thinking Toronto or NYC.
-Sept 12th there's a free vegetarian conference event in DC that we might go to. Really, it's just an excuse to go. We'll see the museums or buildings, or whatever is fun.
-there's a new thing in Ithaca, a giant community swapmeet group that lets you give away things/services for free, or swap things with others. I went to one and couldn't believe I had missed two previous ones. I gave away a bunch of clothes and got a few things (mostly I was trying to downsize).

I found a great new blogger today: Puppetji. He has "socksangs" instead of "satsangs" on youtube.

I'm in a small town an hour and a half from Ithaca and I was really unhappy at first. I actually went because my first impulse was to stay at home and be by myself--a negative impulse. I have plenty of alone time, and it can get to be too much. So I wasn't too pleased to find myself in "middle America"--not diverse (I felt really funny being there just a short time), jingoistic lyrics to the music, etc. Part of me is really negative and critical of people who aren't aware of things outside themselves, and it's not a good tendency. Very snobby. So I decided to do the "fake it 'til you make it". We went out on a pond in a little paddle boat and it was fun. I saw a cute little snake, a beautiful sunset, and I enjoyed seeing their garden. So I enjoyed it in the end, but it's still not for me. I'd rather be in a more progressive, diverse area.

One neat thing I found was a Mother Earth News (a back-to-the-land type magazine, it looks at organic farming and homesteading) from 1973. The problems then were the same as now--it makes me think things can keep hobbling on for a long time, treating the lowest class poorly and taking from the earth without giving back. There were many letters from people looking for similarly minded people (no internet back then!), and I wonder what became of them. I know several back-to-land farmers that moved from cities to farms in the 70s, and I deeply respect them. The magazine is a fascinating look back.

quick update

I was outside all day today, counting and cutting weeds from measured, randomized areas of the fields. The fog in the morning gradually gave way to fierce sun, and we were out there for it. It's hard work, but I still appreciate being out there. The quietness has grown on me. It's gentle and low stress. The transition from city to town was long and painful, but finally I appreciate it and the city seems stressful. People don't yell at me here, I don't have to be on guard, and there's lots of green space. It's also nice to be so close to our food source. Sweet corn and melon is in season now! No melon on the research farm, but sweet corn will be coming.

I also hosted a kim chee workshop (not taught by me--but I got some kim chee) this week.

Adyashanti: "Sitting in silence is one of the best truth meters we have, because if it doesn't exist when you're sitting in silence, then it doesn't actually exist... If it doesn't exist when I'm not thinking about it, then it doesn't exist... very little that we hold to be real survives this test."

My sister left. I knew her so well as a baby and didn't know her at all any more; I'm so glad I was able to bring her. I actually didn't have the money, I just felt duty calling and charged it. Money is just money... letting it get out of control makes it rule you, but little things here and there don't really matter at all.

She is much smarter than I was at that age. Maybe even now, in some ways. She saw the sun was setting, while we were watching a movie on my computer, and wanted to run out and see it (there are some steps we can run up easily, to get to a summit on the hill). My thoughts were telling me that that was too much work--and then I ran up with her and it was amazing. My thoughts can be taken with a grain of salt :)

I feel more of a 'letting go' lately. I started watching talks with Adyashanti, who I had seen before but instantly made me bored. I have a bit more silence now--enough for those gentle sentences and long pauses to feel more like an opening. I started doing a little bit of breathwork before meditating, and it seems to have helped things even out.

People close to me still push my buttons like crazy. What's the point of becoming more open if you fall back to the old ways with those you love the most? So I'm glad I'm constantly getting the opportunity to drop my argument, my stance. Even though I still rarely do >:)

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The increased silence has come at the perfect time. I feel like I've barely been holding on by a thread this past year. Now I have three short talks to give and I relish the opportunity. I will also be TAing, and possibly talking about my research at a conference in Jan. A great way for me to develop my skills and meet new people. I don't know how much networking will help, since I'm not interested in many jobs available. There will be many things though--no worries. I will see what's available when the time comes to choose.

miscellany

This is the new vegan restaurant in Ithaca! It's officially open now.

playing in the rain

It's all just names of weeds. Common chickweed (Stellaria media) is in the pink family, also known as Caryophyllaceae. I need to know all these names, so they're on the brain. I love seeing plants on the side of the road and being familiar with them-- it makes the whole world feel more friendly.

Meditation feels like a few steps forward, a few steps back. Patterns are hard to break. It's been a year now, since I committed, and mostly things are the same. But today I felt a gap for the first time--a real gap, several times. It was very short, because it would get interrupted by ridiculous, self-congratulatory thoughts. But it was nice. Everything happens in those gaps. Everything else is just stories, in the head. I listen to the stories, because ignoring them makes them worse. But I don't believe them anymore. So when I try to figure out which voice is which (which is my inner voice? which is my fear? etc.), it's not a problem. I don't believe any of it; only direct, unmediated experience exists. There are still lots and lots of thoughts, but I don't feel like it is me thinking them anymore. They're just everywhere.

My sister is here. It was raining, and I said it was too bad, because I don't like walking in the rain. She said, "Oh, I like the rain." Hmmm... who says I don't like the rain? My thoughts come so fast, they overlap: It's too cold, I don't like it because I get cold and wet and uncomfortable. I hate being cold, so much. [I'm constantly unhappy because there's a problem with everything, so I don't like anything, so I never have any fun and I wonder why]. I don't believe my thoughts so much anymore--so I said to my sister, "Let's go!"

We ran outside into the pouring rain. It was warm and felt so good. We ran around for at least ten minutes, splashing in puddles, running down the "river" in the street, going up some stairs on the hill to try and see the city (all clouds!). Any thought that doesn't feel good isn't of any use to me. Even if I can't always realize that now, it is ultimately true in the end.

My sister is so much smarter than me. I'm glad I listened to her.