reactions

I am seeing more and more how everything people do is just reactions to what is happening, based on past conditioning. It is so hard to escape. I think it can only be done little by little, with gradual better and better choices as life goes on. Yogic practices are supposed to be a means for overcoming the conditioning as well, but I still think it can't be done in an instant. People like Eckhart Tolle might claim otherwise... but he was a special case. The story goes (and I actually am inclined to believe it) that he was very depressed, suffering and then the thought "I can stand myself anymore" triggered the thought, "who is the 'I' that I can't stand?", and--wham!-- he achieved realization. But like a monkey might accidentally pain the Mona Lisa, it doesn't mean that act is easily reproducible. Anyone who makes a sudden, drastic change is usually not able to maintain it--even worse, you have an illusion of quickly getting past your issues, and won't be prepared if (when) life knocks you down and you revert back to the same old things.

Seeing these patterns is supposed to help one overcome them. I am not sure. I feel like I see myself repeat the same things over and over, and am unable to act differently. If I act far differently than I am naturally inclined to, I feel like a rubber band that is being stretched... eventually I will snap back. I can only do my best at the time, gradually pushing myself forward, bit by bit.
I still feel positive about the future. There is a part of me inside that knows everything will be alright. But I can't put a time limit on it.

In completely less serious news, I am really enjoying this vegan parmesan cheese I bought. It's not the one made from nutritional yeast and walnuts (though that is good, and I should probably just make that myself, since it's pricey), it's made from processed soy and doesn't have many redeeming health qualities. But I'm eating it on air-popped popcorn and pasta and it's really, really good (if one likes this sort of thing).

Also, my adviser had "car trouble" Friday (after days of repeated travel, so I don't blame her) and still hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up. I should be catching up on things, but am being absolutely horrible and doing the minimum amount of work possible. Bad Sara! Get to work! :)

I have an opportunity to apply for grant money from my school to use right after I graduate and it's actually kind of stressful. I don't know what I'll want to do or where I'll want to go a year from now, and I'm not sure how it will interfere with finding a job. Plus, I have two weeks to decide what to do and writing a grant proposal is a big pain. I'll have to start out by speaking with my adviser about it and see what she recommends. Sometimes opportunities are a bigger pain than not--if it didn't exist, I wouldn't feel this pressure.
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It's funny how much color affects my mood. It is often drab here in the winter, with grey ground and grey skies. I put on a green long-sleeved shirt today, and looking in the mirror, I looked like a tree. My tangled brown hair going down my shoulders was like brown branches sprawling out under green foliage... it really brightened my mood. I can't believe I spent so much time in high school wearing all black and navy blue (I was not goth, just somewhat morose, and didn't want to be noticed).

R's parents' bedroom is a peachy orange, with green tropical houseplants. Every time I step in there, I think the sun is starting to set because of the brilliant orange reflection from sunlight bouncing off the walls. If I weren't leaving this place in August (and didn't have to repaint white), I would do that here. After all, we evolved to live among plants, and there are many studies showing that the presence of plants decreases stress and anxiety. It makes sense that we respond to bright colors. I should try to add some colors to this blog. Cameras tend to miss the beauty found in natural settings, but something is better than nothing.

I have a problem with boredom here, and it is worse now that we have had a few days of bitter cold--just a few degrees above zero, and not bright and sunny like when I was in MN. I suppose I would be bored anywhere, with it being so cold like this. I don't want to read or write or draw or watch movies, I want to walk around and see different interesting things. That is one of my favorite things to do.

A friend (admittedly strange) said he couldn't imagine being bored. There are so many possible things to do in life. I agreed that that is a great way of seeing things. But I just don't.
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I have been trying to not force myself to learn life lessons lately, to just go about my day and let them come to me. It's much more natural and avoids being self-punishing or forcing. So I have lots of thoughts that I'm letting congeal on their own.... it's the kind of thing that has to stew. One thing I continue to think about is different points of view, how everyone is kind of right in their own way. I guess the question is, what are the practical implications? Are people hurt by this? Context may be key... I don't have any specific examples right now, but this question of viewpoints comes up quite a bit at my school in different debates. I think about it-- how can someone view something so differently from me? I want to understand, because though I still may not agree, I will have more compassion when I see *why* someone thinks what they do. It is never so simple as "They are stupid". People think what they think for a reason, usually an instant reaction. That is why yoga is about transcending patterns/karma. Without a special practice, all a person can do is react over and over and get themselves stuck in the same kind of messes.

Beautiful, simple Howard Zinn essay right here.

The last paragraph:

An optimist isn't necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places--and there are so many--where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

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I think it goes well with yogic philosophy, to always avoid harm, to do one's best to see clearly, that little acts add up. It is a practical application. He himself performed civil disobedience in civil rights and anti-war actions, putting himself on the line, knowing that no one is free if one is suffering because we are all connected.

Sometimes the world seems too overwhelming. I prefer to not notice anything but the tree branches waving in the wind as I walk home. Yesterday, I was walking around a conference with a friend and she told me that in the short time we were talking, three guys very obviously were watching me. It was supposed to be a compliment, I guess, but I was horrified. It sounded invasive, no wonder I hadn't noticed. I would never want to.

Then at home, I was showed a brief movie clip with shooting. It was fictional, but I can hardly stand that kind of thing. I try not to show it, but it is just too awful. I know there are people who really have to deal with that kind of thing and it gets to me.

And then meat... I was thinking today that I am tired of being vegan and different. But how can I not eat vegan? I can't stand the thought of using another living being, just because I want to, not because I have to in order to survive. It doesn't feel right at all to me.

I don't mean to sound negative. In fact, today was a very good day and I felt unusually happy. But I am feeling acutely how sensitive I am to so many things. I met someone last year that said she actually stopped being vegan (she went to consuming some eggs and dairy) because on a spiritual level, it made her so sensitive that she couldn't stand it. Everyday life was just too difficult. She really wanted to be vegan, but wasn't sure how to manage it again. She thought I seemed a bit that way (not that she was trying to convince me to do anything differently). I have to learn acceptance somehow, I think, but am not quite sure how to do that. Seeing my patterns had not been enough for me to change them, I still have a lot of growing up to do somehow.

The sky was beautiful today, with brief moments of windy snow coming down interspersed throughout a generally clear day. Classes are starting and I am so glad to be in my last semester of them.

However, the main thing on my mind is the death of historian Howard Zinn. I read his People's History of the United States over and over. His depictions of regular people doing extraordinary things over and over (stories buried by mythologies of "heroes" and "leaders" in regular history books) was incredible to me. All throughout history, there are stories of horrible things. Yet despite all odds, there are always people working to do amazing things to improve everyones' lives and make the world a better place. Everything is against them and they still try. It's a beautiful fact.

He also wrote about being a bomber pilot in World War II, and how that drove him to become a peace activist. He later found out he had bombed an entirely civilian town, in an act of what could only be considered pure terrorism. If the war regarded as the epitome of a just and good war was a lie, what did that mean about war in general? How could it ever be anything but a drive for power, directed by the powerful but suffered by the poor (the majority).

It made me very sad... but he was 87 and his wife had died in 2008. I saw him speak about 6 or 7 years ago and he was incredible. It's sad but I imagine it would be hard to go on for long after one's lifelong spouse has passed. I suppose it's just the nature of things.

The organic conference was fun--it was a much better energy than the other conference I was at earlier this month. Good people, good ideas. I'm not sure why there are always some bizarre ideas at any alternative-type event, though. I guess "alternative" encompasses a wide variety of alternatives. Some of the things from biodynamics sounds pretty made-up, and the raw milk-meat-lard people love to cherry-pick studies (picking apart certain studies but holding tight to very old, poorly done studies). At least people are trying to stretch themselves, I suppose.

Being back in Ithaca is rather boring. Classes start tomorrow, which takes away from the humdrum routine of data analysis. I should use the crayons I got for my birthday and draw something with bright colors....

The snow falls, covering everything, and then melts away again. This morning I walked up to campus at 7:30, and everything was covered. The sound of cars was muffled by the blanket of snow.

Coming home, it was warm and my feet got wet. But the gray didn't bother me so much.

Things are settling better into a new routine. My adviser wants me to defend my thesis by mid-November. That will be great because it means I will done by the end of this year, for sure. Then, something else. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I am in a good place with friends, with a good feel. A little more exciting than here, hopefully.

I'm going to a statewide organic conference this weekend. It's exciting because the other conference I presented at in Cambridge (beginning of this month) was very stuffy and regressive, in my opinion. At this conference, there will be lot of local farmers, forward thinkers, down-to-earth people instead of just academics. I feel much more comfortable being at this sort of event. There are always commonalities with everyone (we're all just human), but I honestly am not mature enough to have a good time rubbing shoulders with agribusiness-loving executives. The best thing for me, where I'm currently at, is to leave them be.

It'll be my last semester of classes as well, which is great! More time for reading whatever I want to, afterwards. Realistically, I will be burnt out on learning and probably won't study much for a long time. But it's nice to be moving in that direction. Hearing my adviser say I should defend in Nov made me feel like things are moving along nicely.
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I had an interesting dream the other night. I got very angry, much more so than usually I do in real life. I beat someone up very badly. I actually had to pause and rewind the dream a couple times, because I nearly beat the fictional person to death, and I didn't want to do that. I had the thought, "With that much beating, she'll die, this isn't realistic, if I don't want to kill this person," and went back a bit and beat a bit more and shoved her away to suffer and recover. I had to stop the dream and force myself to wake up because the whole thing was disturbing. And then, awake, I felt peaceful and relieved.

I hate violent movies, I don't understand deep aggression, but what this dream made me realize is that I have those things in me, just hidden. It's one thing to think you are capable of all emotions, and another to feel you are capable of all. It was interesting. It wasn't quite lucid dreaming, but I had a level of control--I didn't want to kill the person and actually had to redo a scene in the dream a few times.

For some reason, it didn't feel bad. I marveled in the feeling of having let out so much aggression. It's good to know that part is there so I can keep an eye on it.

Today was like a mini-spring: weather in the forties, blue sky, some sun. Maybe that's how I'll get through this winter. I forgot that we get all these mini-thaws in Ithaca, making it feel like spring is coming. It makes it hard to study, but getting the blahs also makes it hard to do my work. I'm actually glad classes will be starting in over a week, because data analysis is getting very old.

I met up with someone who had been doing her research in Columbia. I was very jealous of her when she started (maybe jealous isn't quite the right word--I was very happy for her). She went there for four months and learned to speak Spanish and will be done soon, and might get a job working for a strawberry company. I don't quite want to do that--I don't ever want to move where I don't know anyone, ever again. But it is nice to see people finishing and happy, especially good people that you want to see do well. Regardless of how I'm doing, it's good to see others being happy.

coming back is hard

Ithaca is gray and it makes me feel gray. I keep telling myself, I only have (less than) a year left, less than a year left. It seems ungrateful to be counting down time like that. But it is what it is--I don't feel a good fit for this town, and my mind is not in a place where I can just change it. I've gotten tired reading about yoga--I need a break from all that stuff; I need concrete things I can enjoy.


So there are little things to look forward to--I may go to Vegas in March (not interested in anything but the warm desert!), maybe MN in March, plus a few small trips here and there--I'd like to go to NYC and Boston before summer. Other things to try: winter activities (sledding, cross-country skiing) and... I need to brainstorm some more.

Back in Ithaca

Less than a year left here, now. I have lots of work to do and decisions to make. I walked on the frozen Mississippi and met up with tons of people and didn't work for two weeks. I have to think about what to do this year to make it fun. Hard to do today, after just getting back.
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