classes

I feel like everything is coming together with this last semester of classes. I'm taking classes because I need to know the info, and my soil fertility class really ties everything together. Everything comes from the soil and soil management affects everything. Unmanaged, it tends to do best... but since humans are going to manage it, it's best to manage it consciously and intelligently.

I used to think I was very different from me as a child. But earlier today I was sitting on the floor, coloring with crayons, and it was hard to say that there is much difference. I am still someone who likes to sit by myself and draw, who reaches for a book when the world is overwhelming, who thinks strange things are usually funny, who wants to do whatever she wants without being ordered around. I used to want to get away from who I was, thinking I had to be better or something, so it's nice to just be this way without worrying about it.

reactions

I am seeing more and more how everything people do is just reactions to what is happening, based on past conditioning. It is so hard to escape. I think it can only be done little by little, with gradual better and better choices as life goes on. Yogic practices are supposed to be a means for overcoming the conditioning as well, but I still think it can't be done in an instant. People like Eckhart Tolle might claim otherwise... but he was a special case. The story goes (and I actually am inclined to believe it) that he was very depressed, suffering and then the thought "I can stand myself anymore" triggered the thought, "who is the 'I' that I can't stand?", and--wham!-- he achieved realization. But like a monkey might accidentally pain the Mona Lisa, it doesn't mean that act is easily reproducible. Anyone who makes a sudden, drastic change is usually not able to maintain it--even worse, you have an illusion of quickly getting past your issues, and won't be prepared if (when) life knocks you down and you revert back to the same old things.

Seeing these patterns is supposed to help one overcome them. I am not sure. I feel like I see myself repeat the same things over and over, and am unable to act differently. If I act far differently than I am naturally inclined to, I feel like a rubber band that is being stretched... eventually I will snap back. I can only do my best at the time, gradually pushing myself forward, bit by bit.
I still feel positive about the future. There is a part of me inside that knows everything will be alright. But I can't put a time limit on it.

In completely less serious news, I am really enjoying this vegan parmesan cheese I bought. It's not the one made from nutritional yeast and walnuts (though that is good, and I should probably just make that myself, since it's pricey), it's made from processed soy and doesn't have many redeeming health qualities. But I'm eating it on air-popped popcorn and pasta and it's really, really good (if one likes this sort of thing).

Also, my adviser had "car trouble" Friday (after days of repeated travel, so I don't blame her) and still hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up. I should be catching up on things, but am being absolutely horrible and doing the minimum amount of work possible. Bad Sara! Get to work! :)

I have an opportunity to apply for grant money from my school to use right after I graduate and it's actually kind of stressful. I don't know what I'll want to do or where I'll want to go a year from now, and I'm not sure how it will interfere with finding a job. Plus, I have two weeks to decide what to do and writing a grant proposal is a big pain. I'll have to start out by speaking with my adviser about it and see what she recommends. Sometimes opportunities are a bigger pain than not--if it didn't exist, I wouldn't feel this pressure.
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It's funny how much color affects my mood. It is often drab here in the winter, with grey ground and grey skies. I put on a green long-sleeved shirt today, and looking in the mirror, I looked like a tree. My tangled brown hair going down my shoulders was like brown branches sprawling out under green foliage... it really brightened my mood. I can't believe I spent so much time in high school wearing all black and navy blue (I was not goth, just somewhat morose, and didn't want to be noticed).

R's parents' bedroom is a peachy orange, with green tropical houseplants. Every time I step in there, I think the sun is starting to set because of the brilliant orange reflection from sunlight bouncing off the walls. If I weren't leaving this place in August (and didn't have to repaint white), I would do that here. After all, we evolved to live among plants, and there are many studies showing that the presence of plants decreases stress and anxiety. It makes sense that we respond to bright colors. I should try to add some colors to this blog. Cameras tend to miss the beauty found in natural settings, but something is better than nothing.

I have a problem with boredom here, and it is worse now that we have had a few days of bitter cold--just a few degrees above zero, and not bright and sunny like when I was in MN. I suppose I would be bored anywhere, with it being so cold like this. I don't want to read or write or draw or watch movies, I want to walk around and see different interesting things. That is one of my favorite things to do.

A friend (admittedly strange) said he couldn't imagine being bored. There are so many possible things to do in life. I agreed that that is a great way of seeing things. But I just don't.
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I have been trying to not force myself to learn life lessons lately, to just go about my day and let them come to me. It's much more natural and avoids being self-punishing or forcing. So I have lots of thoughts that I'm letting congeal on their own.... it's the kind of thing that has to stew. One thing I continue to think about is different points of view, how everyone is kind of right in their own way. I guess the question is, what are the practical implications? Are people hurt by this? Context may be key... I don't have any specific examples right now, but this question of viewpoints comes up quite a bit at my school in different debates. I think about it-- how can someone view something so differently from me? I want to understand, because though I still may not agree, I will have more compassion when I see *why* someone thinks what they do. It is never so simple as "They are stupid". People think what they think for a reason, usually an instant reaction. That is why yoga is about transcending patterns/karma. Without a special practice, all a person can do is react over and over and get themselves stuck in the same kind of messes.

Beautiful, simple Howard Zinn essay right here.

The last paragraph:

An optimist isn't necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places--and there are so many--where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

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I think it goes well with yogic philosophy, to always avoid harm, to do one's best to see clearly, that little acts add up. It is a practical application. He himself performed civil disobedience in civil rights and anti-war actions, putting himself on the line, knowing that no one is free if one is suffering because we are all connected.

Sometimes the world seems too overwhelming. I prefer to not notice anything but the tree branches waving in the wind as I walk home. Yesterday, I was walking around a conference with a friend and she told me that in the short time we were talking, three guys very obviously were watching me. It was supposed to be a compliment, I guess, but I was horrified. It sounded invasive, no wonder I hadn't noticed. I would never want to.

Then at home, I was showed a brief movie clip with shooting. It was fictional, but I can hardly stand that kind of thing. I try not to show it, but it is just too awful. I know there are people who really have to deal with that kind of thing and it gets to me.

And then meat... I was thinking today that I am tired of being vegan and different. But how can I not eat vegan? I can't stand the thought of using another living being, just because I want to, not because I have to in order to survive. It doesn't feel right at all to me.

I don't mean to sound negative. In fact, today was a very good day and I felt unusually happy. But I am feeling acutely how sensitive I am to so many things. I met someone last year that said she actually stopped being vegan (she went to consuming some eggs and dairy) because on a spiritual level, it made her so sensitive that she couldn't stand it. Everyday life was just too difficult. She really wanted to be vegan, but wasn't sure how to manage it again. She thought I seemed a bit that way (not that she was trying to convince me to do anything differently). I have to learn acceptance somehow, I think, but am not quite sure how to do that. Seeing my patterns had not been enough for me to change them, I still have a lot of growing up to do somehow.