The sky was beautiful today, with brief moments of windy snow coming down interspersed throughout a generally clear day. Classes are starting and I am so glad to be in my last semester of them.

However, the main thing on my mind is the death of historian Howard Zinn. I read his People's History of the United States over and over. His depictions of regular people doing extraordinary things over and over (stories buried by mythologies of "heroes" and "leaders" in regular history books) was incredible to me. All throughout history, there are stories of horrible things. Yet despite all odds, there are always people working to do amazing things to improve everyones' lives and make the world a better place. Everything is against them and they still try. It's a beautiful fact.

He also wrote about being a bomber pilot in World War II, and how that drove him to become a peace activist. He later found out he had bombed an entirely civilian town, in an act of what could only be considered pure terrorism. If the war regarded as the epitome of a just and good war was a lie, what did that mean about war in general? How could it ever be anything but a drive for power, directed by the powerful but suffered by the poor (the majority).

It made me very sad... but he was 87 and his wife had died in 2008. I saw him speak about 6 or 7 years ago and he was incredible. It's sad but I imagine it would be hard to go on for long after one's lifelong spouse has passed. I suppose it's just the nature of things.

The organic conference was fun--it was a much better energy than the other conference I was at earlier this month. Good people, good ideas. I'm not sure why there are always some bizarre ideas at any alternative-type event, though. I guess "alternative" encompasses a wide variety of alternatives. Some of the things from biodynamics sounds pretty made-up, and the raw milk-meat-lard people love to cherry-pick studies (picking apart certain studies but holding tight to very old, poorly done studies). At least people are trying to stretch themselves, I suppose.

Being back in Ithaca is rather boring. Classes start tomorrow, which takes away from the humdrum routine of data analysis. I should use the crayons I got for my birthday and draw something with bright colors....

The snow falls, covering everything, and then melts away again. This morning I walked up to campus at 7:30, and everything was covered. The sound of cars was muffled by the blanket of snow.

Coming home, it was warm and my feet got wet. But the gray didn't bother me so much.

Things are settling better into a new routine. My adviser wants me to defend my thesis by mid-November. That will be great because it means I will done by the end of this year, for sure. Then, something else. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I am in a good place with friends, with a good feel. A little more exciting than here, hopefully.

I'm going to a statewide organic conference this weekend. It's exciting because the other conference I presented at in Cambridge (beginning of this month) was very stuffy and regressive, in my opinion. At this conference, there will be lot of local farmers, forward thinkers, down-to-earth people instead of just academics. I feel much more comfortable being at this sort of event. There are always commonalities with everyone (we're all just human), but I honestly am not mature enough to have a good time rubbing shoulders with agribusiness-loving executives. The best thing for me, where I'm currently at, is to leave them be.

It'll be my last semester of classes as well, which is great! More time for reading whatever I want to, afterwards. Realistically, I will be burnt out on learning and probably won't study much for a long time. But it's nice to be moving in that direction. Hearing my adviser say I should defend in Nov made me feel like things are moving along nicely.
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I had an interesting dream the other night. I got very angry, much more so than usually I do in real life. I beat someone up very badly. I actually had to pause and rewind the dream a couple times, because I nearly beat the fictional person to death, and I didn't want to do that. I had the thought, "With that much beating, she'll die, this isn't realistic, if I don't want to kill this person," and went back a bit and beat a bit more and shoved her away to suffer and recover. I had to stop the dream and force myself to wake up because the whole thing was disturbing. And then, awake, I felt peaceful and relieved.

I hate violent movies, I don't understand deep aggression, but what this dream made me realize is that I have those things in me, just hidden. It's one thing to think you are capable of all emotions, and another to feel you are capable of all. It was interesting. It wasn't quite lucid dreaming, but I had a level of control--I didn't want to kill the person and actually had to redo a scene in the dream a few times.

For some reason, it didn't feel bad. I marveled in the feeling of having let out so much aggression. It's good to know that part is there so I can keep an eye on it.

Today was like a mini-spring: weather in the forties, blue sky, some sun. Maybe that's how I'll get through this winter. I forgot that we get all these mini-thaws in Ithaca, making it feel like spring is coming. It makes it hard to study, but getting the blahs also makes it hard to do my work. I'm actually glad classes will be starting in over a week, because data analysis is getting very old.

I met up with someone who had been doing her research in Columbia. I was very jealous of her when she started (maybe jealous isn't quite the right word--I was very happy for her). She went there for four months and learned to speak Spanish and will be done soon, and might get a job working for a strawberry company. I don't quite want to do that--I don't ever want to move where I don't know anyone, ever again. But it is nice to see people finishing and happy, especially good people that you want to see do well. Regardless of how I'm doing, it's good to see others being happy.

coming back is hard

Ithaca is gray and it makes me feel gray. I keep telling myself, I only have (less than) a year left, less than a year left. It seems ungrateful to be counting down time like that. But it is what it is--I don't feel a good fit for this town, and my mind is not in a place where I can just change it. I've gotten tired reading about yoga--I need a break from all that stuff; I need concrete things I can enjoy.


So there are little things to look forward to--I may go to Vegas in March (not interested in anything but the warm desert!), maybe MN in March, plus a few small trips here and there--I'd like to go to NYC and Boston before summer. Other things to try: winter activities (sledding, cross-country skiing) and... I need to brainstorm some more.

Back in Ithaca

Less than a year left here, now. I have lots of work to do and decisions to make. I walked on the frozen Mississippi and met up with tons of people and didn't work for two weeks. I have to think about what to do this year to make it fun. Hard to do today, after just getting back.
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